The Misadventures of Eponine and Cosette
by JCBoLt
Summary: Welcome to another new story by everyone's favorite weirdo, JCBoLt! In this one, Eponine and Cosette are friends in high school, along with all the Friends of the ABC. They are a rather odd pair and do some really weird stuff of which THIS FANFICTION is about. Good luck to all of you! T for weird sexual references, alcohol, French swear words, and that stuff. Modern AU.
1. Long Live the Armrests

**A/N: First Les Mis fanfiction! It's a modern AU with the most amazing couple ever in it! MOST AMAZING COUPLE EVER. ****_EVER_****. ****_EEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEER_****. DO NOT DOUBT REPEATED VOWELS.**

**But yeah. It's gonna be humor and romance, like EVERY DANG THING I WRITE ON THIS SITE. And no, I'm not going to change it from humor and romance to adventure and angst like I did in BYK2WD. Self promotion. Shameless. Suckas. There will be some weird sexual references to awkward pairings, gayness, and threesomes.**

**There will be no real threesomes. Or gayness. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaybe.**

**We all have our suspicions about Combeferre. **

**Yeah, I own nothing. NOOOOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIING. Do not doubt repeated vowels. Eponine view.**

**So hey, guess what? My chapters are going to have ****_titles_**** in this one! TIIIIIIIIIITLEEEEEEEEEES.**

* * *

**OOOOONWAAAAARD**

* * *

"Come on. Please? Pl_ease_? _Please?_" I roll my eyes at Marius's obnoxiously cute puppy dog face and sigh exasperatedly.

"Okay." He grins and jumps up and down in excitement.

"Thank you, Eponine! You won't regret it, I promise!" I roll my eyes again when he wraps me in a tight hug.

"Whatever, Marius. Go get your instrument." Yeah, it's great that I'm off school for a band trip, but of course I'm stuck with my trumpet-playing best friend who used to be my crush, his annoying flutist girlfriend, and one specific saxophone player whose name will not be mentioned. But at least Marius gets the satisfaction that his "two favorite girls are finally going to get along."

But I am kind of glad that I'm one of his two favorite girls.

I sit down by Cosette, raising my eyebrows to challenge her to ask me to move. When she says nothing, I grin and listen to the band on stage. I go to put my arm on the armrest of the chair, but Cosette is hogging the whole thing.

"Move your arm, woman." She shakes her head defiantly and I growl, shoving her arm off of the armrest. I hold my chin high in my success. She glares at me and shoves my arm, taking my spot again.

"Use the other one." I glance over at the seat next to me, seriously considering resting my arm on that one. But Mr. Blonde Saxophone is sitting there and using the armrest (Only half of it, actually. My arm would totally fit), making it totally off limits to a flustered, blushing Eponine Thenardier.

"Enjolras is using that one." She smirks wildly and I know exactly what she's thinking. "No. Just don't say anything, Cosette." We start wrestling over the armrest and throwing random insults at each other. I think Musichetta is really getting in to it and enjoying our argument.

"Nobody loves you," Cosette hurls at me. I know that's not true.

"Uh… _Everybody_ loves me," I brag. She huffs angrily.

"Okay, everybody loves you. Everybody but Marius." My jaw drops and I pull my arm off of the armrest, crossing my arms over my chest in a very defensive stance. Musichetta lets out an "Ooooooooh…" and I roll my eyes, turning away from Cosette while also avoiding Enjolras. I can't let her relish in the major reddening of my face. In my anger, I make up a short parody on the spot.

"I dreamed a dream that Cosette died."

"And Marius liked Eponine instead."

Musichetta claps quietly for me as to not disturb the band on stage while they play. Cosette grins.

"Ooh, we're making up parodies now? Well, two can play at that game."

"I dreamed a dream that _Eponine_ died."

"And Marius and Enjolras both loved Cosette."

Well, now she's got me intrigued. I can't help it. "What then?"

"And then we had a threesome." She bursts out laughing and I do too, hiding my face in my hands while I blush scarlet from utter embarrassment. I don't know whether to be amused or disgusted. Musichetta is dying.

"Gross." She laughs even harder at my comment.

"It's not gross when they're both hot," Musichetta points out. My jaw drops.

"Oh, dude, _double _gross!" Cosette covers her mouth with her hands as to prevent laughing loudly enough to be heard. I take advantage of the situation and slam my hand down on the armrest, taking up as much space as possible. "Success!"

Cosette rolls her eyes and props her elbow up on the corner of the armrest that my small arm doesn't cover. I attempt to push her arm off of the armrest with my elbow, but she pushes back with far more strength, nearly pushing my arm off of the side. I'm reminded of sumo wrestlers.

Well, tenth-grade, 100-pound sumo wrestlers.

But that's beside the point.

"Vive la Republique!" I say, grinning with bared teeth while I try even harder to push her oddly strong arm off of the STUPID ARMREST. She effortlessly keeps her arm on the armrest, which is really ticking me off.

Like, I'm seriously mad about this. She won't just give up to my superiority. She gets everything. Can't I just get the dang armrest? Jesus, she just doesn't understand, does she?

I WANT THIS ARMREST.

"Vive la France!" She responds, grinning, not unlike myself. "Vive la Liberte!"

"VIVE LA ARMRESTS!" I nearly shout. Coincidentally, it's also right when the current band stops playing. Oh lord. I feel like such an idiot. My face turns scarlet again and I chew on my lower lip, hoping no one was paying attention.

But seriously, it's a lost cause. I just yelled "Vive la _Armrests_" in the middle of a silent room. Is it not right for me to feel like a complete and utter idiot? Enjolras stares at me, biting his lip to hide a grin while he snickers.

"Vive la armrests?" He questions me, whispering. My blush darkens and I bury my head in my hands.

"Just don't talk about it, Enjolras." He shakes his head no.

"There is no way I will ever forget about this." I throw my thumb over my shoulder at Musichetta and Cosette, who are both cracking up and red faced.

"They won't ever let me forget about it either, I don't think. This is a disaster." I really wish I could hide behind my trombone case like I usually do when I'm embarrassed, but I don't have my case. While I'm looking around for an escape or at least a hole to fall, curl up in the fetal position, and die in, I realize that the armrest is TOTALLY NOT TAKEN OVER BY COSETTE.

IT IS ALL MINE.

MY PRECIOUS ARMREST.

I lay my arm on the armrest and sigh happily. It was all worth it.

Because I got my armrest.

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**A/N: Well, wasn't that fun? The next chapter is called: "Combeferre is ****_NOT_**** Gay." Reviews and input please? Maybe ideas for another chapter? This is kind of a series of one shots, but it will also follow a plot line. I hope you liked chapter one. Stay tuned!**

**-JC, the one who feels like an old TV show**


	2. Combeferre is NOT Gay

**A/N: I love writing this story! It's so much fun to make Eponine suffer from extreme shyness around Mr. Sexy Saxophone. This chapter is called "Combeferre is _NOT_ Gay." This chapter is one of the reasons why this is rated T: Mentions of Gay Prostitution. I have nothing against gay people or prostitutes; this is just a plot bunny. I wrote a short poem to explain my feelings on the matter. **

_If you are gay  
That's okay  
Have a super sparkly day  
And if you're a prostitute  
You must get good pay  
So have a great day_

**Eponine: However, I do not believe the chapter title is in any way true because Combeferre is gay.**

**Combeferre: I'M NOT GAY, WILL YOU STOP IT?!**

**Cosette: Yeah, you're gay, and Grantaire is drunk, and Marius is hot, and Eponine loves En-**

**Eponine: OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH! DISCLAIMER PLEASE!**

**JCBoLt: Okay, calm yourself, Eponine. I don't own anybody because that's slavery and-**

**Enjolras: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING? SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY MEN. IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN. (Eponine swoons.)**

**JCBoLt: Okay, we get it Enjolras. Cosette, catch Eponine, she's fainting.**

* * *

**ONWARD AS WE DEAL WITH TECHNICAL EPONINE ISSUES**

* * *

"Hey, Combeferre," I say, swinging on to the couch next to Combeferre, who is obviously trying to do homework on his laptop. He entirely ignores me, so I jab his side with my finger.

"Combeferre."

"Go away, Eponine." I continue to poke his side harshly.

"Combeferre. Combeferre. Combeferre. Combeferre. Hey, Combeferre. Hey, hey, Combeferre. Combe-"

"WHAT?!" He yells, glaring at me.

"Are you gay?"

"No." He turns back to his computer screen.

"You are _totally_ gay." He rolls his eyes.

"I'm not gay, Eponine."

"Yes you are." He looks up from his computer screen to shoot me another evil-looking glare.

"I'm not gay."

"Oh, yeah, sure. Is that your way of coming out of the closet?"

"I'M NOT GAY!" Cosette leans over the back of the couch and grins.

"Yeah, Combeferre isn't gay, Eponine." My jaw drops.

"TRAITOR!"

"See, Eponine, I'm not gay. Even Cosette believes me."

"Combeferre is a prostitute."

"Eh, maybe he's a gay prostitute. You know, killing two birds with one stone." I turn to Combeferre- his face is beet red and his jaw is clenched. "Multiple choice: A-Gay. B-Prostitute. C-Both. This isn't that hard."

"I'm not gay _or_ a prostitute!" I sit in silence for a moment, leading him on that this conversation is actually over. It's all part of the plan in the grand scheme of things.

"So… you're both." He lets out an angry groan.

"None of the above. I have an essay to write, so why don't you two just-" Cosette leans in and interrupts him.

"What's your essay on? Gay prostitution?" Combeferre looks like he's about to explode, or scream, or perhaps both.

"I'M NOT GAY."

"Yeah, he's not _fabulous_ enough," Musichetta says, laughing as she sits on the armrest of the couch, pulling her feet up onto the cushion next to Combeferre's arm.

"So you're a straight prostitute?" I ask, enjoying his pain. He slams his face on the keyboard of his laptop.

"I'm not a prostitute." With a glance at his Word document, I realize that he's pressing down the F key with his nose.

* * *

The June Rebellion, or the Paris Uprising of 1832, was an unsuccessful, anti-monarchist insurrection of Parisian Republicans—led by student societies—from June 5 to June 6, 1832. The rebellion originated in an attempt of the Republicans to reverse the establishment in 1830 of the July Monarchy of Louis-Philippe, shortly after the deafffffffffffffffffffffff

* * *

"I am absolutely done with you three." He grabs his laptop and carts it over across the room, sitting at a one-seat table next to the window. I give Cosette and Musichetta high fives. Combeferre was using the whole thing, and we succeeded in getting our normal spots back.

Everyone at the ABC knows that this is _our_ spot. Combeferre can go sit in a hole.

They both swing onto the couch and we get into an animated conversation about what Combeferre's essay could actually be about. It all makes sense in our heads, but if men in white suits showed up in a moment, we'd probably be off to the asylum.

"-with donkey-human hybrids." Enjolras walks over to the couch at that moment and gives me this look like I'm totally insane.

"What?" My face turns a very ardent scarlet color and I try to find words to explain exactly what I was just talking about. I say the only thing my brain can actually form.

"Uh… N-Nothing." Cosette and Musichetta snicker and I glare at them; my face, ears, and neck still the color of a ripe chili pepper. "Shut up."

"By the way, Combeferre wanted me to tell you that his paper is about the second French Revolution." I give him two thumbs up and a very strange looking forced smile, still embarrassed and flushed just by his presence. He smirks with a low chuckle and walks off towards Courfeyrac and Feuilly.

"Good job, Eponine," Cosette says, patting my back in sarcastic praise. Musichetta nods.

"I can just see him throwing himse-"

"Okay, Musichetta, that's enough," I say, my face turning impossibly redder. This is horrible. I remember when I was exactly like this only _once_ before. With Marius. But now I'm mercilessly teased about it by my two best friends rather than mercilessly rejected.

I would have to say that they're both about the same amount of torture to me.

"So… about the donkeys." Cosette glares at me.

"No, no, no, I am not going to let you change the subject. We are going to fix this. Me and Musichetta, we have our ways. So you can just sit back and watch."

"Musichetta and I," I mumble. Musichetta cocks her head slightly to the side.

"What?"

"It's not Musichetta and me. It's _Musichetta and I_."

"Well, thank you, Ms. Grammar," Cosette snaps at me. "Do you want help or not?"

"No. Now can we please change the subject to trying to find Combeferre a boyfriend?"

"_I'M NOT GAY, EPONINE!"_

* * *

**A/N: I really hope you enjoyed that. It took a while to get the idea on paper. Combeferre is totally gay. Now, Cosette and Musichetta are going to play a big part in the next chapter, which is called "Project Enjonine." I don't know if their efforts are going to help those two, though. Eponine is totally hopeless.**

**But you can't stop a team of hopeless romantics. **

**Review please. I've got to thank all of my BoLt-BrOs that reviewed and favorited. If you are one of my BoLt-BrOs, awesome, continue being awesome. If you aren't, become one by reviewing or favoriting. **

**By the way, my fans are called BoLt-BrOs now.**

**-JC, the one who truly thinks she has fans **


	3. Middle School Math

**A/N: So hey BoLt-BrOs. I've decided to hold off on Project Enjonine so that can torture Eponine just a little more. And there are plot bunnies.**

**Lots.**

**So this chapter shall be called "Middle School Math" because it's about middle school math. I hope you enjoy both that and my not-excitedness because it's cold today and I'm bored. And also angry. I've been Shakespeare-ing and OMG THE NEW KING KILLED HAMLET'S DAD AND IT WAS UNEXPECTED AND OH MY DGLSLCGUHSKMDGWG.**

**And so, we begin.**

**Okay, I really can't start it like that. I don't own anything. Nothing. I own absolutely nothing. I live in a box. Underground. Where for some reason, I have a laptop.**

**No, actually, I live in the suburbs. My house is rather nice.**

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"Oh God, Eponine, why is there an _x_ there?"

"Gav, if you'll just wait one second, maybe I could figure this out." I took this course three years ago. I don't really remember any of seventh grade, honestly. I remember continuously hitting Cosette in the back of the head with my trombone slide on… uh… "accident."

If the value of _x_ is 6, (9+4_x_)(5_x_)=_

What does that even mean? For the love of…

"Eponine…"

"GAVROCHE CALVIN THENARDIER. I AM WORKING ON IT." He holds his hands up in surrender and I turn back to the worksheet he brought into the ABC, begging me to help him. I groan when I realize I can't remember anything from my seventh grade pre-algebra class. "Grantaire, do you remember seventh grade-" He holds up his hands, backing away from me and into the bar.

"I don't even remember last week." Oh, right.

"MARIUS!" Marius runs over to the booth and plops down next to me, rather ungracefully.

"Yes?"

"Do you remember how to do pre-algebra?" He scrunches his nose up slightly and his eyebrows furrow.

"I can't say I do." I roll my eyes and Gavroche groans.

"Excuse me, Gav, but I don't see why you couldn't have just asked your teacher." He scoffs.

"Eponine, I know you had Mrs. Short, too."

"Oh, you have her? I'm sorry, kid," Marius says, scooting off of his seat. "I've got to go."

"Do you at least have a textbook I could look at?"

"Dude, why would I want to carry around a textbook in my backpack? I'd look like a _nerd_. Like you." I shoot him a glare and he smiles innocently.

"Do you want help or not?" He nods frantically.

"So, do you know how to do this or not?" I stare at the problem for a couple more seconds.

"Uh… Suuuuuureeeeee…" I start writing random numbers on his paper, pulling all of my middle school knowledge from the back of my brain.

Gavroche groans and yells "ENJOLRAS!" My eyes widen slightly, but I don't look up from the paper, lest I actually look Enjolras in the eyes.

_Look down, look down, don't look him in the eye._

Right off the bat, Enjolras starts going through my work.

"Eponine, that doesn't make any sense." I raise an eyebrow at Enjolras.

"What doesn't make any sense?" He points into the center of the big clot of my chicken scratch on the page.

"You can't divide pi by zero, first of all. I don't even know where you got pi. And where did that _q _come from? And, Eponine, three times four is _not _seven." I put my head in my hands, my fingers pushing slightly into my hair.

"I haven't done this in _three years_! I'm on Algebra Two now!" Gavroche snickers and I glare at him again.

"How did you even pass Geometry?"

"Very carefully." Enjolras sits down beside me and my face turns red. Gavroche sticks his tongue out at me. I bet this was Cosette and Musichetta's doing.

"So first, you have to add 9 and 4 together…" Enjolras goes on to explain how to do the math problem not only to Gavroche, but also to me. He ends up getting 990, which is a far cry from the answer I got:

10_q_-2.842

I have absolutely no idea how I passed Geometry.

"Is there anything at school that you _aren't_ good at?" I ask Enjolras. He thinks for a moment, and then he looks me directly in the eyes and says with all of the confidence in the world,

"Science."

"Really? _Science_? I _love_ science!"

"Well, I don't." Gavroche shrugs.

"The only thing I have an A in is gym." I glare at him for, like, the millionth time today.

"And when were you going to tell me this?" He grins obnoxiously.

"Never."

"Well, I happen to be an honor roll student. All As and Bs." Enjolras frowns.

"No offense, Eponine, but I have no idea how you ever accomplished that. This is seventh grade level math." I blush slightly, turning my harsh glaring abilities on Enjolras.

"THAT WAS _THREE YEARS AGO_!" He chuckles at my outburst.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I have a C- in Chemistry."

"But Chemistry is so _easy_!" Cosette passes by and whispers in my ear,

"Well, if Chemistry is so easy, why do you seem to know absolutely nothing about it?"

"What?" She groans and spins on her heel, walking back towards Marius. "Wait, what? What is that supposed to mean? Cosette? _COSETTE?_"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Cosette's point of view…

* * *

"Ah, poor, clueless Eponine. She's so… clueless. GOD, COSETTE, MUSICHETTA, SPEED THINGS UP HERE, WE'RE ALL FAINTLY IMPATIENT," Marius whispers rather loudly. He does _not _know how to whisper.

"It's not our fault. It's really all Eponine's fault. She won't let us help her and she's hopeless." I nod, totally agreeing with Musichetta.

"Hold on, I have an idea." I pull out my phone and pull up Eponine's contact information.

**To: Eponine  
JESUS EPPY ASK HIM OUT ALREADY**

**From: Eponine  
Cosette, I told you not to call me that. And no. I will not.**

I hate how she texts in complete sentences. It's obnoxious.

**To: Eponine  
Do it**

**From: Eponine  
No.**

**To: Eponine  
:l**

**From: Eponine  
What is that?**

**To: Eponine  
Its my annoyed face because youre annoying**

**From: Eponine  
Why do insist on not using any sort of punctuation in any of your texts?**

**To: Eponine  
Because you wont ask enjolras out**

**From: Eponine  
The mechanics mistakes that you continuously make are actually kind of painful.**

**To: Eponine  
Am i going to have to satrt saying liberry again**

**To: Eponine  
*start**

**From: Eponine  
Please don't. It's libRARY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.**

**To: Eponine  
Do it**

**To: Eponine  
Do it**

**To: Eponine  
Do it**

**To: Eponine  
Do it**

**To: Eponine  
Do it**

I get through about half of my next message until I get this one.

**From: Eponine  
I AM TURNING MY PHONE OFF RIGHT NOW.**

I watch as she turns off her iPhone and shoves it in her coat pocket, grinning smugly in my direction. Oh, man, she's just asking for it.

"So, did you make any progress?" Marius "whispers."

"Marius. You're great and all, but will you please just _try _to be quieter? You're worse at whispering than Joly."

"I am not!" Musichetta shushes him and clamps her hand over his mouth.

"No, I did not make _any_ progress." Musichetta groans and Marius rolls his eyes.

"So, the Gavroche plan didn't work, and she's not listening to you. What do we do now?" Musichetta asks, her hand still covering Marius's mouth.

"We crack the marble man, that's what we do."

* * *

**A/N: OHOHOH DIS GON B GUD. I'M HAPPY AND EXCITED NOW SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY AND EXCITED BECAUSE WOOO ENERGY AND COCA COLA AND WOOOOOOO! DLSGHGASASECAKTGUGTSR THIS IS EXCITING BECAUSE EPJOLRAS AND PROJECT EPJOLRAS _IS_ UP NEXT, I PROMISE AND CAPS LOCK AND WOOOO AND COCA COLA. FOR SOME INSANE REASON, FANFICTION DECIDED TO UPDATE THE SITE AND WHAT IS GOING ON. WHERE IS EVERYTHING? BUT I AM NOT ANGRY BECAUSE YOU WILL REVIEW AND I WILL BE LOVED AND COOOOOCAAAAA COOOOOLAAAAA.**

**Cosette: Okay, I'll take over from here, because JC is running around the café, screaming something about "BoLt-BrOs." Yeah, she's going to torture Eppy in the next chapter mercilessly, and I guess that means that I get that honor, so I'm kind of excited- GRANTAIRE, DON'T GIVE HER THAT BOTTLE.**

**Eponine: Well, I guess that means that the signature is my job, because everyone is trying to make sure that JC doesn't get drunk. Soooo…**

**-Eponine, the one who took over for Cosette, who took over for JC, who is sugar high and is no longer allowed to be around Grantaire. **


	4. Project Epjolras

**A/N: Okay, mon amis. The chapter you've all been very patiently waiting for. PROJECT EPJOLRAS. This chapter is not written down in Notebook ala Fanfiction. I'm freaking winging it. So it's gonna be freaking great so don't even give me any crap.**

**I'm working hard, BoLt-BrOs. Real hard. No, I did not get drunk last chapter, don't worry. But for some reason, Jerk-Cosette won't let me hang out with Best-Friend-Grantaire anymore. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO DRINK ANYTHING. I AM UNDERAGE, YOU DUMB COSETTE.**

**Duh. This is in Jerk-Cosette's point of view.**

**So… Um… Onward?**

* * *

"Okay, guys. We've gone through plans A through L. Project Epjolras has been an absolute failure so far," Musichetta says, slamming down her thick binder that is labeled "Project Epjolras" down on my kitchen table. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, we couldn't get through to Enjolras, because he keeps denying everything. Eponine does basically the same thing, but she's a little easier to read." I raise an eyebrow at Marius. If there's anyone whose emotions he is entirely oblivious to, it's Eponine. He _still_ doesn't know how she felt about him.

"Maybe we should pull out the List." Musichetta stares at me in disbelief.

"The List is plan Z, Cosette. That is _last resort _stuff."

"Well, it's not like they're going to do anything that will progress their relationship!" The List is a, well, _list_ of pick-up lines for Eponine to use on Enjolras. We'll have to force her to use it, but I'm pretty sure they'll work if she does it right.

Then again, she's Eponine.

She won't do it right.

"I'm kind of confused. Are we going to use the List or not?" Marius asks, sounding about as clueless as Eponine.

"No."

"Yes."

Musichetta and I glare at each other and Marius snorts. "Ladies, ladies, no need to fight."

"Well, then, you can be the tiebreaker! Should we use the List or not?" Musichetta demands.

"Uh… Um… Ye- N- Uh…"

"You're not helpful at all," I say, effectively cutting off his flustered stammering.

"Well, why don't we go to the café and see what Enjolras and Eponine are up to?"

"Okay, maybe you are a bit helpful."

* * *

And now, off to the point of view of Ms. Thenardier.

* * *

"So, if it's below seven on the Ph scale, it's a base?" I sigh angrily, running my fingers through my hair.

"No. If it's below seven, it's an _acid_." Enjolras really is horrid at chemistry. I've started tutoring him so that he can raise his now D back up to an A. Or at least a B.

"Okay, so acids are below seven and bases are above seven."

"YES!"

"Well, what is seven then?" I slam my face against the table as the door swings open and a very frustrated-looking Cosette and Musichetta storm through the door, along with Marius, who seems to be just interested in being Cosette's shadow.

"Seven. Is. _Wa-ter_."

"So water isn't a base or an acid? Kind of like how zero isn't positive or negative?"

"Wha- Uh, sure. Don't make math references."

"Oh, sorry, I forgot that you can't handle simple math," he jokes. I whack his arm as hard as I can, but he doesn't even budge.

"Shut up." Cosette stomps over to the booth, grabs my arm, and drags me off to the couch.

"What was that all about?" I'm faced with three very impatient tenth graders staring at me awkwardly. "_What_?"

"Just go out with him!" Musichetta nearly screams. My whole face turns bright red, even my ears.

"Uh… Um…"

"God, Eponine, you're _hopeless_!" Cosette exclaims.

"HEY!" Musichetta pulls out an enormous binder that is labeled "Project Epjolras."

Oh, I remember this thing. Last week, they were trying to get Enjolras to ask me out with that overstuffed one-inch binder that has long since passed the three-inch mark in tow.

"_Enjolras, we all know you like her."_

"_Cosette, Musichetta, I'm going to tell you this one last time. Go. AWAY."_

It was kind of entertaining. Maybe. A lot.

"No. I am not getting in to this." Cosette glares at me.

"Oh, really? Because, as far as I can tell, you really _can't_ handle this by yourself, now can you?"

"Well, you see-"

"No, you can't, Ponine. Just face it, you're not as great at this as you think," Marius says.

"_HEY_!" My voice rises about an octave as I go into what Enjolras calls "Defensive Thenardier Mode." "I am _very_ good at these things. Actually-"

"Actually _nothing_. We all know what happens when _you_ try and accomplish anything to do with romance," Cosette snaps.

"_**HEY**_!"

"Defensive Thenardier Mode" is about to turn into "Violent Eponine Mode." And everyone knows what happens when I go into "Violent Eponine Mode." I mean, you hurl a kitchen knife at someone _one time_ and everyone thinks that you have "anger management issues." He totally deserved it, though. I guess Bahorel doesn't realize that you're not supposed to borrow a girl's copy of Gregory Maguire's _Wicked _without asking first. I take a couple of deep breaths and count to ten like my stupid shrink tells me to (because, of course, when everyone thinks you have "anger management issues," they feel the need to send you to a FREAKING SHRINK) and shoot my three friends (as of now) a very murderous glare.

"If you don't mind, I'll be leaving now." I stomp back to the booth that I'm sharing with Enjolras and grin at him.

"So, where were we?"

"We were at acids and bases."

"Okay." I flip open my Chemistry textbook to the Ph scale to explain further. He shuts the book on my hand and I squeak in surprise, pulling my hand out from under the slightly heavy amount of pages.

"So, Eppy, when are you going to tell them that we're dating?"

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, this is what happens when there is no first draft. I hope you liked it and the plot twist at the end. My fingers are flying across the keyboard because that was really, really, _really_ fun to write.**

**Eponine has a shrink.**

**Don't hate me. I'm just a…**

**POOR BOY FROM A POOR FAMILY. SPARE ME THIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY.**

**Sorry, that was just, like, a _perfect_ Bohemian Rhapsody moment. This chapter isn't as long as I would have liked it to be, but it definitely gets the point across and I am on an adrenaline high after writing it. AND BY THE WAY! I will not be letting Eponine sign off on my chapters anymore because that right is MINE AND MINE ONLY.**

**I even have a "Four Commandments for Characters in my Fics."**

**1- Thou shalt not break the fourth wall too often  
2- Thou shalt not sign off on my chapters  
3- Thou shalt not tell anyone what JC's real name is  
4- Thou shalt not make fun of JC's writing  
_5- Thou shalt not give JC Coca-Cola_**

**OKAY, WHO WROTE THAT?**

**-JC, the one who must find the culprit of this crime.**


	5. Telling the Group and Short Story Biases

**A/N: LOOK AT JC HERE, SHOOTING CHAPTERS OUT OF NOWHERE. OMG, I'VE JUST GOT A NEVERENDING BUTT-LOAD OF PLOT BUNNIES AND OMG IT IS SO FUN TO WRITE THIS STORY.**

**So I guess I'm back on my mojo. Expect constant updates. Ffnregevhkysmht-ing constant.**

**This chapter is going to be long because it's got two stories in it. _TWO STORIES OH MY FRENCH REVOLUTION I BET YOU GUYS ARE REALLY EXCITED BECAUSE SO AM I AND I JUST HAD MORE COCA COLA BECAUSE I ERASED THAT COMMANDMENT FROM THE FOUR COMMANDMENTS. REVIEW PLEASE._**

_**Haha, I'm just being weirdo. **_**So yeah, twelve empty coke cans, eleven gay Combeferres, ten loud foskas, nine awesome BoLt-BrOs, eight Jerk-Cosettes, seven constant texts, six more sodas, FIVE WHOLE CHAPTERS, four commandments, three stories, two consecutive chapters, and a JC staying up all night.**

**Oh my God that was freaking amazing. I JUST WROTE A SONG BASK IN MY GLORY MY BOLT-BROS. Eponine POV for a very long time from here on in.**

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"So, do you get it now?" I've been going over acids and bases with Enjolras for, oh, I don't know, a week now? And so far, it's been a rather troubling subject for him. I know he's frustrated about it, because he usually ends up throwing his pen, his notebook, or my textbook across the room and slamming his face on the table. And then I have to force him to sit back up by whacking him in the back of the head with whatever he threw. He's learned plenty of things while I've tutored him, though.

Like the fact that he should not throw my textbook.

Because I presume that it hurts when you get whacked in the back of the head with a one-pound Chemistry textbook constantly. Seriously, that thing is like a brick. He slammed the first half on my hand a few weeks ago and I couldn't feel my fingers for twenty minutes.

"I think so." My face lights up. Finally! He finally gets it, after SIX LONG DAYS OF STUDYING ACIDS AND BASES, HE _FINALLY GETS IT, HE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS. _Enjolras's chemistry grade is constantly rising, and I'm very proud of him… and myself, to an extent.

Okay, I'm really, _really_ proud of myself. But I'm proud of him, too, I swear! I'm not the one who's been bringing his grade up… directly.

"Awesome!" I wrap my arms around him tightly. "You did it!"

"Uh, more like _you_ did it." Well, that's… uh… _slightly_ true. Slightly should be read as completely. Because I'm really the reason why he hasn't just quit on Chemistry. Well, that, and the fact that I'm sure he knows that if he fails the class, he'll have to re-do it, and that'll look pretty bad on a college application. Failing a class makes getting scholarships far harder.

"You caught on to it, though!" For the fifth time this week, Marius pulls me off to talk to his group of hopeless romantics who seem to like to torture me. They've gone through half the alphabet in plans in the past two weeks, when, of course, I've had to say no to them all, because, not only are they stupid, but I'm already dating Enjolras, so that would just be embarrassing and awkward.

"So, we've got one last tactic for you to get together with Enjolras," Cosette says, pulling a folded up sheet of paper out of her pocket. It has a large letter Z on it. This can't be good. "We've got this list of pick-up lines-" Oh. My. GOD. Pick-up lines?! I can't go on with this anymore. They could just know, I could just say, "Hey, Enjy and I are dating, so leave me alone." But they would freak out about that, and Cosette would probably start writing a novel about it, and Musichetta would write a song, and Marius would ask me for "_all_ of the details" like a teenage girl. And, contrary to popular belief, I DO NOT WANT THAT. I'm snapped out of my thoughts when Cosette shoves the paper in my hand and grins. "So, how about that?"

"No." Musichetta groans. They've been working at this for at least two months, and I know they're as frustrated about my rejections to their ideas as I am about their ideas in general. What they don't know is the reason _why_ I'm rejecting everything they suggest is because I don't want to embarrass myself in front of my boyfriend.

"This is all we've got, Eponine. Do you want to date Enjolras or not?"

"Of course I do, but-"

"Then let us help you!" Marius says. I'm getting really quite frustrated about this. They won't let me say anything! I could just tell them, if they even give me the chance to BREATHE IN BETWEEN THEIR SENTENCES.

"But-"

"No, we're forcing this o-" I cut off Cosette by blurting out,

"We're already dating, dangit!" Her eyes widen and a grin starts to form on her face. "I mean, seriously, was it really that hard to notice? I've been tutoring him for the past two weeks! We never come in the café without each other! Oh, I guess you were just far too busy with your _FREAKING __**PICK-UP LINES TO NOTICE!**_" Once I'm finished with my rant, I realize that _everyone _is staring at me. Even Gavroche. I cover my mouth with my hand, but the damage is already done. Enjolras's face is as red as his coat, especially because Grantaire claps him on the back and congratulates him for finally "caring about his lonely soul."

I jump up onto a barstool and throw my arms up in the air. "_I AM DATING ENJOLRAS ROUGEIOR AND NONE OF YOU ARE GOING TO DO A THING ABOUT IT._" I grab a knife and wave it around menacingly in the air. "And if you try to, I'll skewer you. You'll be an idiot-kabob." Everyone nods, their eyes wide with fear. I grin successfully and jump off of the stool, scrambling back over to sit next to Enjy.

"Did you really have to do that, Eppy?" I roll my eyes.

"I didn't really mean to get that loud, but they're really frustrating." I really did not mean to shout like that. But, I must say, the dramatic aspect of the whole thing was really impressive due to my normal shyness about my… uh… love life, or whatever the heck Cosette and Musichetta call it. I just really hope neither of them starts reading Twilight, because then they'll be waiting for Enjy to turn into a freaking idiot sparkly vampire that can only speak in "dramatic" whispers and half-glare awkwardly at the girl he fancies.

No, I do not like Twilight. Thank you for asking.

Enjolras wraps an arm around my shoulders and hunches over my Chemistry textbook, staring at the words with a look of such extreme, almost over exaggerated concentration on his face that I nearly burst out laughing.

"So, if a liquid is 6.5 on the Ph scale, will it turn litmus paper blue or red?"

* * *

"Enjy, Marius, we need your help." Enjolras and Marius both rush over to the door of the café, where Cosette and I are bickering endlessly.

"Yes?" Cosette turns to Marius and grins, holding up her paper so close to his face that it looks rather uncomfortable.

"So, basically, Cosette and I are in the same class for English. We had to do a creative writing project, and both of us got As. But we want to know who _actually _did better." Enjy nods at my explanation.

"Okay, so you want us to read your pieces and see who wrote better?" We both nod simultaneously.

"I'll read Eponine's first if you read Cosette's," Marius says. Enjolras shrugs and takes Cosette's paper. I wait anxiously and grin at Enjolras when they switch papers. Marius reads far slower than Enjolras does.

"So, whose is better?" Cosette asks excitedly. I bounce up and down in my seat. Enjolras counts down from three on his fingers and they say their answers at the same time.

"Cosette," Marius says, at the same time that Enjolras says, "Eponine." Musichetta rolls her eyes and pushes in between Marius and Enjolras, who seem kind of flustered at the fact that their answers were conflicted.

"Guys, I don't see why you chose them. Their opinions are very biased." Enjolras crosses his arms over his chest and glares at Musichetta.

"My opinion is not biased at all." She raises an eyebrow at him.

"Oh really? Eponine is your girlfriend. I'm pretty sure that slightly sways whose piece you're going to choose. Especially since you chose Eponine's piece and Marius chose Cosette's piece. Give me those. I'm not biased. I hate them both the same amount."

"Excuse me?" Cosette looks rather surprised at Musichetta. I know that she's just bitter because-

"Well, I got a C on this assignment." Yeah, because she got a C, because she's not good at short stories. According to her, _I am not a story-teller or an author in general, really. I am a songwriter. I write poems. Not stories, or articles, and especially not On Demand Writing prompt responses._ Now, her songs aren't that bad. They're actually pretty great- they just don't have any music to go with them, because Musichetta can't write music, either. But her stories are definitely horrible. She can't write anything that doesn't rhyme and isn't in stanzas.

"Oh." I snicker at Cosette's half-hearted reply.

"I'll be the judge of these short stories. Because _I_ am not dating either one of you- thank God."

"Just get it over with, Musichetta. We understand that you can't write. But you can judge- rather well, actually-" Musichetta cuts me off with a glare.

"Hey! Well, uh, that's not exactly untrue…" She reads through both pieces a lot faster than Marius ever could have read one. "That's easy. Eponine's is better." I jump up out of my seat, throwing my fist in the air.

"YES! I AM _VICTORIUS!_" Cosette rolls her eyes, huffing angrily.

"Yeah, we get it, _Ego_nine. You win." I raise an eyebrow at her. Really? Egonine? That doesn't make any sense. It makes about as much sense as an underwater bathtub, like in Spongebob. Enjolras looks at me with a mischievous grin on his face.

"Egonine. I like it." I shoot him a harsh glare.

"No, you don't."

* * *

**A/N: Okay, it's almost tomorrow, so I need to update NOW. Hope you enjoyed this, my BoLt-BrOs. Because I certainly enjoyed writing it. I'm going to write out Eponine and Cosette's short stories and post them later on, so be looking for that. Read and review and send me your love.**

**BY THE WAY I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I'VE BEEN DRINKING FREAKING PEPSI THIS WHOLE TIME AND MY WHOLE FREAKING LIFE IS A LIE.**

**-JC, the one who was drinking Pepsi.**


	6. Sick Eponine

**A/N: So, if you couldn't tell by the name of this chapter, it's about sick Eponine. So yeah, Eponine is sick, and Enjy is, of course, gonna go all protective boyfriend up in here. Oh, and Joly is going to make constant appearances. Because we all need to torture our favorite hypochondriac on sick days. Enjoy my little bit of fluff that every fanfiction author and reader needs to live and survive. Well, we need fluff, reviews, and Coca-Cola.**

* * *

_**To care for your new **_**Fanfic Author**_**, you need to supply them with constant fluff from their favorite fandom, especially if it consists of their favorite ship. Your **_**Fanfic Author **_**feeds solely off of reviews- reviews are their lives, their shelter, their food, and even their true love. Your **_**Fanfic Author **_**will also need to be constantly given Coca-Cola, which you can swap for Pepsi, because they don't seem to notice. If you subject your **_**Fanfic Author **_**to bad grammar usage, incorrect capitalization, the death of one or more of their favorite characters, or a ship that conflicts with their naturally programmed ship, we are not responsible for any damages inflicted upon you, your house, or your family.**_

* * *

**That was far too much fun to write, oh my French Revolution. I don't think I've been doing this lately, but DISCLAIMER.**

**Oh and here's some review replies from JCBoLt herself! (The audience cheers)**

**JC: THANK YOU, THANK YOU! Now, it's been brought to my attention that I'm getting REVIEWS! So I've decided, why not talk to these people face to face? So here in the studio audience are my reviewers! Get on up here, BoLt-BrOs!**

**Guest: I like the plot but the characters are very OOC**

**JC: Well, Guest, I really appreciate the compliment, thank you. But the characters are in an AU setting, so I'm molding them into that AU setting: High School. Their characteristics are a bit warped.**

**a cup of insanity: I AM CRYING. BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS ATTEMPTING TO SET THEM UP & THEY ARE ACTUALLY DATING. I'M DONE. I'M SO DONE WITH THIS FIC. (I can't believe I haven't read this before ugh)**

**JC: Don't quit on me just yet. I like your username, by the way.**

**SaguaroCactus: This whole fic is just so freaking adorable ARGH. It's one of those that's a nice change from the angst I become obsessed with.**

**JC: Glad to be a change of pace. Now, if you'll just look outside, there's a new chapter! YOU'RE GETTING A NEW CHAPTER, YOU'RE GETTING A NEW CHAPTER, YOU'RE AAAAAAALL GETTING NEW CHAPTERS!**

**ONWARD.**

* * *

"ACHOO!" I sneeze into my arm, groan, and slam my head down on the table. I've been sneezing all day, and it's gotten worse since I got to the café. And the thing that makes this worse is that I literally never get sick. Enjolras glances at me, looking concerned.

"Are you okay, Eppy?" I pry my head off of the table and force a smile on my face. It's more like a grimace, though.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a cold." He chuckles, probably because of the scratchiness of my voice.

"Well, you'll be pleased to know that Joly isn't here right now." I nod, laying my head on the table again. It's actually pretty comfortable. It becomes increasingly harder to keep my eyes open. I start to doze off when Enjy shakes my shoulder lightly, waking me back up. I groan and raise my head up again.

"Yes?"

"Were you falling asleep?"

"ACHOO! Yes." A faint scratchy feeling in the back of my throat makes me cough uncontrollably. "Can I- ACHOO- lay back down now?"

"You can lay on my shoulder if you want to." I graciously accept his offer, resting my head on his shoulder. It's far more comfortable than the table, that's for sure- especially because the top of my head only goes up to his chin. He hands me a tissue and I let out an impressive sneeze into it.

"Bless you, Eponine." My nose twitches again and Enjy smirks. "Feuilly, can I have that whole box of tissues?" Feuilly hands him the tissues and he grins, handing me another tissue.

"Thanks- ACHOO- Feuilly." I suddenly hear heavy breathing from upstairs.

"Oh my God, did someone just sneeze?" Joly. I know he can't help it, but he's probably going to want to quarantine me for a stupid cold, which is really obnoxious. He runs down the steps, frantically searching the room for whoever is sick- and that lucky person just so happens to be me.

"I have- ACHOO- a cold, Joly." I let out a couple of coughs again and Joly covers his mouth and nose with his hand. He raises an eyebrow at me, obviously not believing my self-diagnosis.

"Are you sure it's just a cold? It could be the start of something like pneumonia." My eyes widen and I sneeze again, staring up at Enjolras worriedly.

"Pneumonia?" I croak. Enjy shakes his head no and glares at Joly while I cough rather painfully.

"It's not pneumonia, Joly."

"How do _you_ know?" I bite down on my lower lip. I really don't have any real evidence that it actually is as small an issue as a cold. I haven't checked my temperature yet, so I don't know what this could be. But Joly's diagnosis is kind of scaring me. It's the first time I've gotten sick in over six years. It would obviously be just my luck that I would have a serious illness like pneumonia.

"Go away, Joly." Joly nods and runs off, mumbling something about a humidifier. I give Enjy another worried look.

"_Pneumonia_?" I ask again, this time not even getting through half of the word before I sneeze. He rolls his eyes.

"Jesus, Eponine, Joly's overreacting. You don't have pneumonia." I shrug innocently.

"He studies health science-"

"Yes. _Tenth grade_ health science."

"Well, you do have a point there. But still, you never know…"

"Okay, now you're turning into a Joly clone. Stop, I don't want you to be a hypochondriac, too." I glare at him.

"I'm not a hypochondriac. I'm just… worried… and- AGH, I'M TURNING INTO JOLY." I bury my face in his shoulder and he jolts backwards.

"Gross, Eponine, you're going to get snot on my jacket." I roll my eyes.

"You care way too much about that red jacket." He gives me that obnoxious Enjolras grin that's halfway between a smile and smirk.

"I love this jacket."

"Well, great, Enjy. Now can you- ACHOO- hand me those tissues?"

"Don't sneeze on my jacket."

* * *

**A/N: You like my little Oprah moment there? My middle name is Oprah. Like, literally, my name is JC Oprah BoLt. Well, and then my full name, of course, is on my bio.**

**Eponine: It's actually a screen name, shh!**

**JC: EPONINE STFU.**

**This one was kind of short, sorry. There's gonna be more chapters up very soon.**

**-JC, the one who didn't drink any Pepsi/Coke/Whatever the heck I've been drinking. **


	7. The Hunger Games

**A/N: Welcome to the first ever chapter of TMoC&E that come directly from the _new_ Notebook ala Fanfiction. I'm listening to some really strange music right now. So don't judge my weird author's notes, because I'm singing along to Next to Normal and the Addams Family. So yeah… bllblbjeskblfdbsmer.**

**ONWARD.**

* * *

"What do you _mean _you've never read them?"

"I feel no desire to read a novel about kids killing each other for the entertainment of the rich." She thrusts the black and gold book into my hands.

"Well, you're reading it. I'll have the second one ready for you." Like I'll actually read the second one. Cosette, Marius, and Musichetta have been fawning endlessly over The Hunger Games for a year now, and they're trying to get me to read it. "Enjolras liked it."

Okay. I'll read it.

When Musichetta tried to describe the plot to me, it went a little like this:

* * *

"_Well, Katniss goes to the Games for Prim and then Effie calls Peeta. Katniss and Peeta have to pretend to be in love, like Haymitch says, but Peeta actually loves Katniss, and then- Oh my God, just read it already."_

* * *

That was _super_ helpful.

I reluctantly open the book, curling up on a soft chair so that I can comfortably read the torturous thing.

Ten pages in, and I'm already interested. Katniss and Gale need to get together soon or I'm going to explode. "_Good hunting partners are hard to find."_ KATNISS, WHY ARE YOU SO OBLIVIOUS? You know, that sounds vaguely familiar. Haymitch is like an older, less fun version of Grantaire. I'm flying through this book, absorbing every aspect of Suzanne Collins's dystopian Panem as I can. The only thing I don't like is the love triangle. There's Peeta, the boy with the bread who is also named after a bread, and there's Gale, the boy with the actual hunting experience who is also a wind.

"Hey, Eponine, what are you reading?"

"Hunger Games. Shh, Courf."

"What part are you-"

"SHH, COURF." Courfeyrac throws his hands up in surrender, backing away slowly. I bury my nose in the pages of the book. I think that my favorite character so far is Rue. I hope she wins.

"So, do you like it so fa-"

"COSETTE, DO NOT SPEAK, I AM TRYING TO READ." She gives me a smug grin and whacks the back of my book, making it fall forward. I nearly scream at the sudden cutoff of words in front of my face. I glare at Cosette and she smirks. "I love this book."

"Yes, I know. Everyone does. Well, except for Combeferre."

"Combeferre is an idiot."

"I'll leave you to your book, then."

"Thank you." I start reading again, right when Katniss pushes Peeta into the wall. Seriously, Katniss. He confesses his undying love for you, and, in return, you push him into a vase. _Nice._

* * *

I've been in the café for five hours, and I'm still not done with the book. It's midnight, and my eyes are bloodshot and filled with tears. Suzanne Collins must have had some serious issues if she thinks that doing something like that to her readers is okay.

Rue died.

I half expected it. Katniss is the main character, of course she's going to win. But maybe Rue's death couldn't have been so sad? Maybe Katniss could have just seen her face on the projector. But NO.

Katniss freaking sang to her, and Rue died in her arms, and then she covered her in flowers. In short, that's why I'm crying. I'm very glad no one is- Crap, Enjolras just walked in.

"Hey, Eppy, what're you reading?"

"Shh."

"Why are you crying?"

"Rue."

"Oh, you're reading The Hun-"

"ENJY, SHUT UP." He grins and motions for me to keep reading. I nod in approval and go back to my book.

"You know, at the end-"

"DON'T SPOIL IT FOR ME, ENJY!" He sticks his tongue out at me and I roll my eyes in response. "You're such a child."

"I know. But yet, you still date me."

"Will you please just let me read?"

"You sound like Combeferre." I crinkle my nose in disgust.

"I do _not_ sound _anything_ like Combeferre." He smirks.

"Enjy, stop talking, I'm _trying_ to read!" He says, raising his voice an octave in a bad imitation of my voice.

"I do not-" I pause and deepen my voice. His imitation was near perfect. "I do not talk like that."

* * *

I bet they're not awake. I shouldn't be here. Gavroche is probably wondering where I am. I rap my knuckles on the door nonetheless.

"Who would be knocking at three in the- Eponine?"

"Hello, Monsieur Fauchevalent. Can I see Cosette?"

"If she's awake… Come in, Eponine, don't stand out there in the rain."

"Don't worry, Monsieur, a little fall of rain can't hurt me." He shrugs and shuts the door. A while later, I'm soaked, and Cosette swings the door open, staring at me, completely bewildered. I hand her the only dry thing I have- the book.

"Couldn't this have-"

"No." She motions for me to come in and gives me a towel, which I promptly use to wring out my hair. I wrap it around my shoulders and she walks up to her room, almost zombie-like.

I guess that's my fault. I woke her up in the middle of the night on a Saturday. She comes down, a book in each hand.

"Here's the last two. Now, go away."

* * *

**A/N: Superboy and the Invisible Girl. Son of Steel and Daughter of Air. He's a hero, a lover, a prince- Oh, you're still here? Uh… Yeah, uh… COMBEFERRE!**

**Combeferre: I don't want to be here.**

**Eponine: Because you're gay?**

**Combeferre: NO!**

**Eponine: JC doesn't own THG. She told me to say that. Can I have my pay now?**

**Cosette: WAIT, WHEN WERE WE GETTING PAID FOR THIS?**

**-JC, the one who is in a load of trouble.**


	8. The Trouble with Show Tunes

**A/N: This one is long to make up for the shortness of Chapters 6 and 7. So here it is. Yeah, I'm not paying my characters. I lied. I'm still listening to those soundtracks, by the way. I love these songs. They're like drugs. But not really. Because drugs are illegal.**

**I'm just going to warn you that there's going to be a POV change in the middle of this chapter. And, CBuscus, sorry, but the lockdown chapter is Chapter 9.**

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"Get out of my way, move, move, move," I say as I push through the crowd of people in the café with my laptop. I have a report to write.

I settle down in the back room, sticking my headphones in my ears and turning my music up to what would be a deafening volume to other people. But to me, it's perfect. I go into a playlist that I so creatively named _MLEB_. Opening up my laptop and setting up a new Word document, I start to tap away random facts about Broadway. Yes, that is what my report is about. It's for Drama class.

I try not to let the music distract me, but it's hard to ignore, especially when my all time favorite song starts blasting in my ears. After a while, I just can't help it.

"_But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive, and I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes. And I need you to need me, it's no surprise: I'm alive, so alive. I'm alive."_ I don't think I'm singing all that loud, but who knows? My music is drowning out _everything_. I probably couldn't even hear it if a steam engine rammed through the wall because some idiot said, "I like traaaaaiiiiinsssssssss."

I go back to my report, still singing along to my music. While I'm not too good at multitasking, I can somewhat pull it off. Hopefully no one can hear me singing- that would be kind of embarrassing. The only people that have ever really heard me sing are Cosette and Musichetta. They said that I'm good, but I don't believe a word they say.

That's rooted in the fact that one time, they convinced me that they were actually wizards. That was really, _really_ embarrassing.

* * *

And then the point of view of the story changed to Enjolras's POV.

* * *

"Does anyone else hear that?" Marius suddenly asks in the middle of our conversation. We all go silent, except for Grantaire, of course. "R, shut up." Combeferre slams his hand over Grantaire's mouth.

"_Superboy and the Invisible Girl. Son of Steel and Daughter of Air. He's a hero, a lover, a prince. She's not there… Superboy and the Invisible Girl. Everything a kid oughtta be. He's immortal, forever alive. Then there's me…"_

"Who's that?" I ask Cosette. She snickers and smirks at me.

"What, can't recognize your own girlfriend's voice?" My jaw drops, along with basically everyone else's.

"That's Eponine?" Musichetta rolls her eyes.

"Of course that's Eponine. Who else other than Jehan listens to show tunes?" Well, I do, but no one around here needs to know that. If they found out that their "marble man" Enjolras listens to (and _loves_) show tunes, they'd tease me mercilessly. It's not that I couldn't take it, but I think that it would just get so annoying that I'd have to go all "Violent Eponine Mode" on them and throw knives at them like Eponine did to Bahorel. It's just a book; I don't see why she had to hurl a knife at him over it. But that did earn her quite a bit of respect around here. Without that, she might not have any respect from anyone here. I mean, she's only 5' 4". But because of that, she even inflicts fear in Bossuet, and he's a college sophomore and 6' 3".

"Since when did Eponine listen to show tunes?" Marius asks.

"Marius, you really know nothing about your best friend, do you?" Cosette asks him. He glares at her.

"I know basically everything about Eponine." That's when everyone glares at him- _including Grantaire._ It's funny that he would say that, even though he never found out and still doesn't know that Eponine was practically in love with him for three years. He rolls his eyes and Cosette pushes me off of my barstool.

"Hey!" Musichetta grins.

"We know you know this song, Enjolras," she whispers. My face turns red.

"How-"

"We have our ways," Cosette says mysteriously, making Musichetta burst into giggles. "Go sing it with her!"

"No." Musichetta raises an eyebrow at me.

"We'll tell everyone about your CD collection." My CD collection of musical soundtracks. "And your program collection." Musical programs. I even have Billy Elliot.

"Okay, I'm going." They aren't bluffing- I can tell by the serious looks on their faces. I hope I got in here in time for the harmony.

"_Take a look at the Invisible Girl: Here she is, clear as the day. Please look closely and find her before she fades away…" _Perfect.

"_Superboy and the Invisible Girl. Son of Steel and Daughter of Air." _She turns around, staring at me, continuing to sing with a shocked look on her face. "_He's a hero, a lover, a prince, she's not there… She's not there… She's not there… She's not there…" _She scrambles to stop the song, her face turning red.

"You know Next to Normal?" I nod.

"That was really good." Her cheeks turn even redder and the corner of my lips twitches upward.

"Um, thanks. So… did everyone hear me?" I nod and she groans, slamming her head against the back of the couch.

"Does it matter? You're really good." She glares at me.

"YES, IT MATTERS! THAT'S EMBARRASSING! NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT I CAN SING!" She elbows me in the stomach and I double over. She usually doesn't punch very hard, but I guess today is different. She pokes her head out of the door and I can hear everyone cheering for her. From what I can tell, her ears are turning a very dark variation of red. "Enjy, all of this is your fault." I raise an eyebrow at her skeptically.

"And how exactly is it my fault?"

"Can anyone tell me the definition of _scapegoat_?" Did she just- Yup, she just quoted Wicked. That's amazing. I freaking love this girl.

* * *

**A/N: So, if you can't tell, Enjolras is Aaron Tveit and Eponine is Samantha Barks. Just thought you should know. I love my musically obsessed OTP. On Word, this whole story is FINALLY above 10,000 words! CHEER! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!**

**So, I just read the Friends of the ABC page on Wikipedia, and I found _this:_**

* * *

**Grantaire** – Grantaire is an alcoholic student who has little interest of revolution or democracy and at times scoffs at these ideas, but his love for Enjolras makes him a member of the Friends.

at times scoffs at these ideas, but his love for Enjolras makes him a member of the Friends.

_his love for Enjolras makes him a member of the Friends._

_his love for Enjolras_

* * *

**AND I SCREAMED. I FREAKING SCREAMED BECAUSE IT IS CANON AND I TOLD MY FRIEND THAT IT WASN'T AND NOW I AM WRONG AND I DO NOT LIKE BEING WRONG AAAAAAARGH. I'm always right. You know, until I'm not.**

**-JC, the one who cannot stand being wrong, ever, at all.**


	9. What We Do on Spring Break

**A/N: The chapter that is still not the lockdown chapter. Sorry, C. But I had a plot bunny. And you know what happens when JC has a plot bunny. THREE UPDATES IN ONE DAY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. I wrote a song in the first chapter of BYK2WD, if anyone remembers. This chapter is in Eponine's POV, then Bossuet's POV. I know it's weird, but there's a reason. I hope you enjoy it. I've got something to explain… So here:**

**The Thenardiers that are not Eponine and Gavroche are in jail for child abuse and being cons, along with other charges. Their legal guardians are now their aunt and uncle.**

**That's about it. That was easier to explain than I thought it would be, actually.**

**Oh, and a shout out to CBuscus: FOSKA.**

**ONWARD.**

* * *

Everyone's been trying to clean up the café for when Bossuet shows up for Spring Break, but it's not really going well, because Grantaire found some really old wine and he's singing a horrible rendition of The Cup Song from Pitch Perfect with an equally as drunk Courfeyrac failing at the actual "percussion" of the song. Combeferre has been huddled in the corner, reading. Joly is upstairs, hiding out in one of the old rooms because he caught the cold I had and he thinks he has pneumonia. Feuilly is listening intently while Jehan recites a poem that he wrote about Poland for his World Civilizations class. Bahorel is eating and Marius and Cosette are being the lame romantics that they naturally are- nothing unusual here.

I immediately drop the box of records from the fifties that I found in the back room when I see Gavroche trying to snatch the wine away from my drunken friends. It's not like they would notice, but Gavroche is my responsibility, and my uncle would kill me if I came home drunk, so only God knows what he would do if my 12-year-old brother came home even slightly tipsy while he was under my watch at the place that I promised him was "absolutely safe and trustworthy." I don't know why I ever said that. This café is full of underage drinkers and genuinely crazy human beings.

"GAVROCHE THENARDIER, DROP THAT BOTTLE." He holds the wine up to his lips, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Gav…" Enjolras comes up behind him, reaches over his head, and takes the wine from him, holding it out of his reach.

"You should really listen to your sister." Gavroche rolls his eyes.

"You're no fun anymore, Enj." I glare at my brother and Enjolras laughs, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Your sister seems to think I'm pretty fun. Right, Eponine?" He winks suggestively and my face turns deep red. He's being absolutely inappropriate, but Gavroche is doubled over, laughing. I bet he drank something, because he doesn't usually act like this.

"Have you been drinking?"

"You know I don't drink- a lot." I _knew _it. "Come on, don't you know how to have fun? It's Spring Break, Eppy! Live a little!"

"I _thought_ that we were cleaning so that Bossuet doesn't think that we're complete slobs."

"We _were_, Eppy. Now it's only you."

"Well, that means that it's up to me to make sure that this place doesn't look like a pigsty."

"Eppy, you sound like my mother," Enjolras whines. Does he just turn into a Gavroche clone during our breaks from school? I don't know. It's kind of funny, though. And faintly attractive. "If we get a break from school, why don't you take a break from being the Napoleon Bonaparte of the Friends of the ABC?"

"I am not _Napoleon Bonaparte_!" He raises an eyebrow at me.

"Oh really? You're shorter than everyone, yet you're basically the leader of this group. Under me, of course."

"I am totally above you in this, Enjy." A loud smash makes me jump. I spin on my heel in the direction of the sound. Courfeyrac dropped the glass he was using in the cup song and it shattered everywhere. He glances up at me, looking like a guilty two-year-old that just got caught for eating the last cookie. "Well? Clean it up!" I sigh exasperatedly as Courfeyrac scrambles to pick up the larger shards of glass and turn back to my boyfriend, who is trying very hard to stifle laughter. "What?"

"Now you _really_ sound like my mother."

"OW! SH-" I shoot Courfeyrac a glare and point at Gavroche. I really don't want Gav to go around spewing swears. My aunt would kill me for that one. Courfeyrac holds up his hand, which is bleeding profusely.

"God, Courf, couldn't you have just gotten a broom?" He shrugs innocently. "Go wash your hand off and I'll try to get Joly out of quarantine long enough for him to bandage that correctly."

"Hurry," he slurs, stumbling off to the bathroom.

"MAN, WHERE'S MY BEAT?" Grantaire shouts, his words far more slurred than Courfeyrac's. I glare at him and he laughs. "Don't look at me like that, Ep." He starts singing a song from High School Musical and I groan. This is going to be a disaster.

"You know what, Enjy? I give up. I need coffee, now." Everyone knows that when I say I need my coffee, you had better get me my coffee immediately or there will be blood. Coffee is my stress relief that keeps me from turning into another Grantaire. We only need one of those around here- and one is nearly too many, especially right now. I always have a mug of dark roast coffee with four double shots of espresso in it.

"Yes, dear." I roll my eyes and he tosses back his head, laughing.

"Enjy, you're obnoxious." He pours me a cup of coffee and a grin cracks on my face.

"Thank you, Enjy, you're the best boyfriend ever," he says, imitating my voice again. I roll my eyes again. "Do you want anything on your coffee?"

"Four double shots of espresso." He hands me the mug and I smile. "Thank you, Enjy."

"Any time, Eppy." I toss back the mug, gulping it down in three drinks.

"That's good enough for now." I close my eyes for a second, savoring the buzz that I always get from the caffeine in my coffee. The espresso makes my heart beat at twice the speed it usually does. "Thanks."

"Are you sure that that much espresso is healthy?"

"Nope. I don't care, though. It's stress relief." Enjolras smirks.

"Maybe I should try some."

"Enjy, you couldn't handle that strong of coffee."

"I can totally handle it. Try me." He fixes another mug of coffee. "How about this. Shot competition, but with dark roast coffee with four double shots of espresso."

"That's not a very good idea-" Courfeyrac stumbles over to us, his hand dressed in bloody gauze. He might need stitches…

"Did you just say you were going to have a shot competition?"

"Yes, with Eponine's coffee." Courfeyrac grins.

"HEY GUYS, ENJOLRAS AND EPONINE ARE GONNA HAVE A SHOT COMPETITION!" Everyone stares at us, bewildered.

"With coffee," I add on sheepishly. Grantaire grins and spreads some shot glasses out in front of us.

"Let the games begin!"

* * *

And then Bossuet gives his two cents.

* * *

I plow through the door of the café, happy to finally see my high-school aged friends again. But the scene I walk in on is not exactly one that I would have ever expected.

When I left last year after Summer Break, Eponine was hopelessly in love with Marius, who was completely oblivious. Enjolras was a fearless, nearly emotionless leader for the guys, who worshipped him. Grantaire was stealing wine out of the wine cabinet, which Courfeyrac completely disapproved of. Combeferre was a bit of a nerd and was totally obsessed with reading. Jehan was crazy about poetry, and Feuilly was crazy about Poland. Gavroche always clung to either Eponine or Courfeyrac and stayed nearly silent and out of trouble. Now, some things never change.

But apparently, a lot can happen in a year. Marius is sitting with a blonde girl, who I'm pretty sure is his girlfriend. Courfeyrac is crazy drunk and singing some old drinking song with Grantaire. Gavroche is running around the café, being chased by Combeferre. He obviously stole his book and has it under his arm. But the thing that catches me off guard the most is Enjolras and Eponine. They're making out in the corner, which seems really out of character to me.

I walk over to them and clear my throat. Eponine pulls away from Enjolras, blushing profusely.

"Uh… Hi, Bossuet," she stammers.

"Does anyone want to tell me what happened while I was gone?"

* * *

**A/N: Man oh man, Eponine and Enjolras are such an awkward few. I like writing a fun, tipsy Enjolras. This was a very fun story to write, and I hope it's an even more fun story to read. How about you leave your favorite line in the review? Here's mine:**

"Your sister seems to think I'm pretty fun. Right, Eponine?"

**Enjy is so mean to Eponine when he's slightly drunk. Have a great Spring Break to all of you folks like me who are on Spring Break. If you're not on Spring Break, sorry to rub it in your face.**

**I'm not really sorry.**

**By the way, I wanted to let you know where Enjy's last name came from. Rougeior. Rouge is French for red and Noir is French for black. See where I went with that? I thought it was clever.**

**-JC, the one who is not really sorry.**


	10. Duck Dynasty

**A/N: I'm writing this chapter to stop crying over the death of Chyle in BYK2WD. It's going to be happy, happy, happy. Ha, you see, this one is about Duck Dynasty, if you can't tell. Nothing cheers up a fanfiction author more than making Cosette, Marius, Musichetta, Gavroche, Eponine, and Enjolras watch Duck Dynasty. I am going to have so much fun with this one… Hold on, let me wipes the tears off of my keyboard. Eponine POV.**

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"Come in, come in, come in, it's almost on!" Musichetta says, pushing me, Enjy, and Gav through the door of her house.

"_What's_ almost on?" I ask.

"Duck Dynasty!" Enjy groans while Gavroche's face lights up.

"You watch that?" They ask simultaneously. Gavroche sounds totally thrilled, while Enjy looks like he's about to die.

"What's Duck Dynasty?" Musichetta gasps and runs off, coming back with Cosette.

"Eponine doesn't know what Duck Dynasty is." Cosette gasps in the exact same way that Musichetta just did. This must be a pretty big deal.

"It's a reality show," Enjolras says. I roll my eyes.

"Oh, it's one of _those_ shows. I hate those. They're totally scripted." Cosette and Musichetta both glare at me.

"It is _not _scripted. Now, come on, you _have _to watch it. This one is the best episode ever." They drag us over to the living room so that we can watch the show. I'm not totally uninterested, to be honest. I've never seen the show, and it doesn't sound all that bad. I just can't _stand_ reality shows. One episode of Jersey Shore, and I was done for life. I plop down on the couch next to Enjolras and Marius grins, turning on the TV.

"You guys like Duck Dynasty?" He asks. I shrug, Enjy shakes his head no, and Gavroche nods. "Um… tough crowd." The show turns on and Gavroche grins.

"This is the best show ever, Eponine. You're gonna love it." Apparently, this is the one where Willie has to play Santa Claus at a church event. Enjolras stays completely blank faced, but I burst out laughing when Si comes out dressed as an elf. Enjy gives me a bewildered look, saying, "Really?" and everyone shushes him immediately. He rolls his eyes and turns back to the TV. I can see him crack a grin after a little while though, and I nudge his side lightly.

"You think it's funny," I tease him. He shrugs.

"It is…" Marius pauses the show and jumps on top of the coffee table.

"HOLD ON GUYS, SOMEONE TAKE A PICTURE, ENJOLRAS JUST SAID THAT HE _LIKES _DUCK DYNASTY!" He yells, throwing his fist in the air. "SUCCESS!"

"Marius, unpause it," Cosette demands. He steps down from the coffee table sheepishly and unpauses the show, muttering "Sorry." Enjolras laughs and makes the sound of a whip cracking. I cover my mouth to prevent laughing loudly again. Marius shoots Enjolras a harsh glare and Gavroche bursts out laughing. Cosette and Marius's relationship is so easy to make fun of. They're like an old married couple.

That makes me wonder if Enjy and I are like that, too. That's easy to answer.

No. We don't bicker all the time- we just like to argue constantly. It's fun to argue with Enjy, even when I'm wrong. It's like being on the Debate Team at school. And of course we don't fight over stupid things- we _argue_ over very, very important things, like where the wine glasses in the café should go. And we never get mad after we argue- he just kisses me and he gets his way.

We're nothing like an old married couple. No matter what anyone says. After the show ends, I make a mental note to record it on the DVR at home, if Gavroche doesn't do that already.

"So, how do you like it?" Marius asks.

"It's great. You can even quote me on that," Enjy responds with a laugh. Finally, we like at least one of the same show. So far, we really don't have any of the same interests when it comes to television shows. Enjy watches shows on Discovery Channel, History Channel, and stuff like that. I stick to my crime dramas: NCIS, CSI, Bones, Numb3rs, that sort of show. He thinks that my shows are unrealistic, and I think that his shows are boring.

It's a lose-lose situation. I can't watch TV with him, because he always ends up getting his way because- well, I've already explained that. He always ends up watching Ancient Aliens or Deadliest Catch, which are two of the dumbest shows I've ever seen in my life. The only time we can actually watch something together is if MythBusters is on. I _love_ MythBusters.

But still. I don't care what Gavroche says, or what Courfeyrac says, or what Grantaire says. We are _not_ like an old married couple. Courf and Grantaire are usually drunk, anyways. What do they know? Well, Courf isn't drunk often, but nevertheless, he knows absolutely nothing of my relationship with Enjolras. And Gavroche is only 12. What does he even know about _relationships _in general? He doesn't have any experience!

"So, what do you want to watch next?" Musichetta asks Enjy and me. "We got to pick this, now it's your turn."

"CSI," I respond immediately, at the same time that Enjolras says, "How It's Made." I raise an eyebrow at him.

"CSI." He lets out a dry chuckle.

"How. It's. Made." I cross my arms over my chest and Gavroche snickers quietly. I know exactly what he's thinking. And he's wrong. Wrong, wrong, and _WRONG_. Marius starts flipping through the channels on the channel guide.

"Keeping up with the Kardashians is on…" He says. Everyone immediately screams "NO!" and his shoulders visibly slump. "I like that show," he mumbles. He's more like a teenage girl than Cosette, Musichetta, and I will ever be.

"So _you're _the reason reality TV shows like that stay on the air!" Gavroche says, pointing a finger at Marius accusingly. Marius shrugs innocently.

"Reality television is great." I shake my head.

"No. We are watching CSI." And thus, the argument begins again. Enjolras glares at me.

"No, we're watching How It's Made." Gavroche groans.

"Guys, this is going to be a while."

* * *

**A/N: Favorite lines again? I still love the Epjolras relationship dynamic. They're so much fun. And they totally are like an old married couple. NO, EPONINE. I WILL NOT TAKE THAT BACK, BECAUSE LYING IS A SIN. Have a good Spring Break, everyone who is on Spring Break.**

**And if you aren't on Spring Break, I'm still going to rub it in your face. I'M ON SPRING BREAK! WOOO! I GET TO STAY AT HOME ALL DAY FOR A WEEK BECAUSE I HATE SCHOOL AND I AM ON SPRING BREAK, SUCKERS!**

**-JC, the one who is a jerk.**


	11. Dentists and Death

**A/N: Oh, this one is gonna be fuuuuuun. Eponine POV- probably for a while. It's rooted in something I'm going through right now- A VACKSAZERING TOOTHACHE. You see, four of my teeth are... uh… ingrown. And right behind one of them, my gum is BURNING WITH ALL OF THE FIRE IN THE DEPTHS OF THE UNDERWORLD AND AUGH. But I'm not going to tell my parents, because I hate the dentist, because they're always like, "Oh, wow, you really need braces." AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW I NEED BRACES SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GLUE THE FREAKING METAL INTO MY MOUTH. I'M SICK OF YOUR BULLCRAP. I KNOW I HAVE A SLIGHT OVERBITE, AND I KNOW MY TEETH ARE CROWDED AND KIND OF CROOKED. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP. I want to scream this at them, but of course, they've got their hands all up in mouth, so all I can say is, "Iknvieorsemtcvltserhvtsovcia w." I made up a new word. Vacksazer. It should be pronounced "V-AH-ck-say-zer." Say that five times fast.**

**Vacksazer, vacksazer, vacksazer, vacksazer, aaaaaand vacksazer. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, honestly.**

* * *

**Definition: Vacksazer _n _(V-AH-ck-say-zer): Obnoxious and unpleasant, in a person or feeling.  
That person is such a _vacksazer_.  
I can't stand this _vacksazering_ game that he insists on playing.**

* * *

**That was very fun. Maybe someone could put that in the dictionary. SOMEONE DO IT PLEASE. **

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"OW!" I hold my hand up to the left side of my jaw. One of my molars has been hurting all day, but I refuse to go to the dentist, because I… uh… _don't like _dentists. I put down the piece of pizza that I was trying to eat and look up at all of my suddenly-silenced friends and brother. "What?"

"Are you okay?" Enjy asks.

"I'm fine. It's just a-" Gavroche cuts me off.

"You have a toothache, don't you?" I nod hesitantly and he laughs. "Of _course_ you do, Ep."

"Shut up, Gavroche."

"Why can't you just go to the dentist?" Cosette asks. I shudder at the thought of the dentist. I hate dentists. They drill into your teeth, and they leave you all bloody and numb, and they're just horrible people. I haven't gone to the dentist in years. I don't eat a lot of sugar, I brush my teeth three times a day, and I just don't have to go to the dentist.

"No, I'm fine." Okay, I admit it. I'm terrified of dentists. It's an irrational fear, but it's a fear nonetheless. The dentist's office is kind of… scary. I don't know _why_ I'm scared of dentists, but I just know that I'm scared of dentists, and that's really all I need to know. "I don't need to go to the dentist."

"Okay, Eppy. Continue eating, then," Enjy says, motioning towards my plate. I cautiously take another bite of pizza and yelp, holding my jaw again. He sighs loudly. "You're going to the dentist."

"NO!" Marius raises an eyebrow at me.

"Are you afraid of dentists?" He asks. Gavroche smirks when my cheeks turn pinkish. This is an embarrassing subject. I'm not afraid of _anything_. I'm not afraid of spiders, snakes, heights, blood- nothing. With the exception of DENTISTS. IT'S SO STUPID! If the guys found out that their… uh… co-leader… was afraid of something as stupid as the dentist's office, who knows what they would do?

"No, of course not," I stammer. Musichetta snickers and I shoot her a glare. I really, _really_ don't want them to know about my irrational, stupid fear. Enjy smiles at me and grabs my hand.

"If I took you, would you be less scared?" No, I'm _not_ scared. I'm _never_ scared.

"I'm not scared. I just… don't like dentists, that's all." He chuckles and squeezes my hand gently.

"Okay, so, if I took you, would it help you to deal with the dentist?" I shrug sheepishly.

"Sure."

* * *

Enjy drives me to the dentist and I feel pretty confident, but the minute he steps out of the car, I don't want to get out.

"No. No, I'm not doing this." I can't go in there. It's a dentist's office. I refuse to enter a place like that. Dentist's offices are torture chambers.

"Eponine, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm right here." He makes a good point. But I'm still terrified. I don't want to do this. I can deal with a little toothache. I cross my arms and shake my head defiantly.

"I'm not going in there." He attempts to smooth out his hair, but his curls fall back into place immediately. I find it kind of adorable that his hair is never straight, and he never even tries to keep it that way. He just keeps it all mussed up all the time. "It's a death trap."

"_Eponine,_" He says, sighing exasperatedly. I take a deep breath and unbuckle my seatbelt, stepping out of the car. "See? It's not scary at all." He holds the door open and I reluctantly walk in. I look over my shoulder, giving him a look that says, "_Please don't make me do this._" He holds out his hand and I squeeze it tightly, holding on for dear life.

"Well, at least if they have to do anything relatively painful to you, anesthesia will make you about as aware as Grantaire is after eight glasses of wine." I laugh faintly, remembering what happened last time Grantaire had eight glasses of wine. He started break dancing on the bar at the café, and when he fell off, he started singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" at the top of his lungs, as off-key as possible. Enjolras drags me over to the check-in counter and says, "Eponine Thenardier."

The lady at the counter looks up. She must notice the terrified look on my face, because she grins at me and says, "Nervous?" I gulp and wring my hands together.

"A little."

"Well, there's no need to worry. It's not as bad as you think." Enjy nods and we sit in the waiting room. I feel like I'm literally in line for my death. The rooms in the back are basically soundproof, so I have no idea what's going on in there. And the things that I don't know simply worry me even more.

"Eponine Thenardier?" Enjolras stands up, dragging me along with him. Time to die.

* * *

"I ca' feel my face…" Enjy rolls his eyes, helping me back into his car.

"You're gonna be pretty numb for a while, Eppy." Of course, the first time I go back to the dentist for six years, I have a huge cavity in my molar. My mouth is dry and full of cotton and my face is numb. But, on the upside, it doesn't hurt anymore, and I've regained my status of "fearless."

I like being fearless. It makes everyone else seem like wimps.

* * *

**A/N: Fun, fun, fun. Poor Eponine, being all terrified of dentists. But, in other news, MY TOOTHACHE IS GONE! IT DISAPPEARED! WOOO! MY VACKSAZERING TOOTHACHE IS FREAKING GONE.**

**BE HAPPY! THAT VACKSAZERING CRAP IS TOTALLY GONE!**

**-JC, the one who made up her own word and is very excited.**


	12. Jelly Beans

**A/N: Happy Easter, all! I'm not doing anything, so I decided to update. It's EASTER. I'M EATING JELLY BEANS. So in honor of Easter, this chapter is about… drum roll, please… EASTER! Didn't expect that one, did you? Yeah, I'm weird. Don't judge. These jelly beans are soda flavored, and OH MY FRENCH REVOLUTION they are so good. You should really try some. Here, do you want one? *throws jelly bean at the computer* Oh wait, that wouldn't work, because half of you could easily be halfway across the world from me. ENJOY EASTER. I don't care if you're Christian or not, I wish you a happy Easter and all that jazz. Everyone raise a glass to the crazy guy in a bunny suit that always is walking around on Easter. We all love that guy.**

* * *

**ONWARD!**

* * *

Easter is one of my favorite holidays, next to Christmas and Thanksgiving. I've always loved these holidays because everyone gets together, we all have a huge meal that I barely even touch, and everyone is happy.

"Happy Easter, Enjy," I say, walking in to the Café Musain. I throw a bag of Jelly Beans at him and they hit him in the stomach. Right on target.

"Hey! What kind of Easter is this? All I get from my girlfriend is a bag of projectile candy to the stomach. That's just not fair."

"Don't worry; I'm throwing these at everyone. Ask Cosette." Earlier today, I knocked on Cosette's door, she answered, and I nailed her in the face with a huge bag of Starburst flavored Jelly Beans. She chased me off her block, eating the Jelly Beans all the while. It was pretty entertaining. I was scared, though. She would eat one and then toss one at me. She has a very strong throwing arm. No wonder she's on the softball team.

"I'm your boyfriend. Don't I get some sort of special treatment?"

"Yes. I got you soda flavored Jelly Beans. Everyone else gets different kinds. But _you're_ special. _You _get fancy candy that cost me three dollars more than everyone else's. That's three dollars out of my paycheck. You owe me." I work at a coffee shop so that I can earn money for college. "There's your special treatment." He rips open the bag and takes a handful out, throwing them into his mouth.

"You're forgiven. These are good."

"Who's the best girlfriend ever?" I point at myself. "EPONINE THENARDIER, THAT'S WHO!" I hand him another bag of Jelly Beans. "When Musichetta, Cosette, and Marius walk in, throw these at Musichetta. I'll take Marius."

"Ooh, an ambush. I like that." We go and hide behind the fake plants that are next to the door. Right when the door opens, I fling the bag as hard as I can and I hear a satisfying grunt come from Marius. I hit him in the chest and he fell over. Musichetta's nose is red and she's glaring at me and Enjy.

"ENJY, YOU HIT HER IN THE FACE?"

"I DIDN'T _MEAN_ TO!"

"You two are so dead," Musichetta growls. She's fuming. I share a terrified glance with Enjy and Musichetta runs at us, ready to strike. I jump on Enjy's back and he carries me out of the building. Musichetta chases us around the café, attacking us with what she came into the café with- pens. She brought a pack of _pens_. That just makes her all the more intimidating. Enjy and I are laughing uncontrollably, but Musichetta doesn't find it very funny. She runs out of pens rather quickly, and Enjolras ungracefully drops me on the pavement.

"You're heavy, Eppy." I glare at him.

"I am not!"

"Yes you are!" I push his chest lightly. He tilts backwards, but he stands firm.

"It's all muscle."

"You threw a bag of candy at my face! I'm going to go home today, and my parents are going to say, 'Chetta, why do you have a black eye?' and I'm going to have to respond, 'Oh, it's nothing. My best friend and her boyfriend threw a bag of FREAKING JELLY BEANS AT MY FACE!' _YOU TWO ARE INSANE!_" I bow grandly.

"Thank you," I say, still fighting back laughter. Enjy shrugs innocently.

"We're just doing our job. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't mean to hit you in the face." She still doesn't look amused. Her nose is starting to swell near the top and turn slightly purple.

"Um… Musichetta?"

"WHAT, EPONINE?"

"Your nose is bleeding."

"Holy… _DID YOU BREAK MY NOSE WITH A BAG OF CANDY_?" Enjy and I drive her to the nearest urgent care, where we find out that her nose is broken. Because of _Jelly Beans_. It makes me feel both amused and very, very guilty. But whatever. Next year, I'll pelt people with individual Jelly Beans or something. On the way back to the café, Musichetta glares at Enjolras over her awkward nose bandage.

"Enjolras Rougeior, I hate you."

"Thank you, Musichetta Whatever-Your-Last-Name-Is."

* * *

**A/N: Easter episode officially finished. Nest chapter… ROAD TRIP FOR SPRING BREAK! I'm stuck in a Spring Break rut right now, because I'm on Spring Break. I'm still going to taunt you with my fortune. This one is **_**really**_** short, and I apologize. The next one won't be.**

**I still love you guys, though. You're still my BoLt-BrOs. So please review and enjoy your week. I'll be shooting out chapters. I might have the next chapter up today, or maybe tomorrow. Who knows.**

**-JC, the one who is on Spring Break and is beyond elated.**


	13. Survival in a Minivan

**A/N: Welcome back. So, I'm still eating Jelly Beans, even though I got sick yesterday because of them. I FREAKING LOVE JELLY BEANS. A very merry unbirthday to me! Yup, today's my unbirthday. So was yesterday. And so is tomorrow! Haha, I've been watching Disney channel for some odd reason and Alice in Wonderland came on. It's not a bad movie, but honestly, I think Alice was on drugs or something. Who dreams up stuff like that? I mean, I'm not one to judge. One time, I had a dream that me and four of my friends were sitting around a campfire roasting chicken nuggets. My chicken nugget fell in the fire and everyone screamed and ran away. Then I realized that my chicken nugget was a bomb. I blew up. And no, I'm not on drugs. Uh… How do I continue after telling you that? How about this: In the reviews, tell me about the weirdest dream you have ever had in your entire life, and what your favorite line is, like always.**

* * *

**ONWEIRD!**

**(See what I did there? I took "Onward" and then added… I think you get it.)**

* * *

"Are we there yet?" I turn around in my seat and glare at Gavroche.

"I swear, if you say that again, I'm going to take the key out of the ignition and shove it -"

"Okay, Eponine, no need to finish that sentence," Marius says, cutting off my empty threat. I've been stuck in this cramped van with Gav, Marius, Cosette, Musichetta, Courfeyrac and Enjolras for thirty minutes of six hours and I'm already sick and tired of all of them. Marius keeps changing the temperature of the air conditioning in the rear, Gav won't stop asking if we're there yet, Musichetta refuses to stop singing along to music that she's blasting through her headphones, which is _really_ annoying, because the bandage on her nose makes her voice kind of nasally, and Cosette continuously clicks her pen because she "doesn't have any inspiration." Courfeyrac is mainly silent, but he's reading a book and eating chips, which is causing tiny noises that are just pushing my patience. It's a loud _crunch, rustle, crunch, rustle,_ and he doesn't even realize how _annoying_ those sounds can be. Altogether, it's the most stressful thing I've ever had to sit through in my entire life. I have no idea how Enjolras is driving through all of it. He must have some really good self control.

"How much longer?"

"FIVE HOURS, GAVROCHE!" I yell. Enjolras nearly swerves into the next lane.

"How about you _don't_ scream in my ear, Eponine?" I shrug sheepishly while he tries to realign the minivan he borrowed from his parents. Musichetta takes out one of her headphones.

"Are we there yet?" I slam my head against the dashboard of the car and let out a muffled scream. Everyone snickers, probably amused by my pain. I'm stuck with five more hours of this until we make it to Courfeyrac's older brother, Marc, in Bordeaux. I'm not sure if I can take it.

I am _never_ having kids.

* * *

"Eppy, wake up, we're here." I didn't realize I ever even fell asleep. It was far better than sitting through my friends being obnoxious for six hours. I reluctantly sit up and drag myself out of my somewhat comfortable spot. I grab my suitcase out of the trunk of the van and roll it into Marc's small house. I'm stuck sleeping in the same room as Cosette and Musichetta. _Joy_. Courfeyrac runs off to say hi to Marc while we set up our stuff. I'm starving.

"What is there to eat?" Cosette shrugs and motions towards the fridge. I grab a kiwi and get a knife out of the cabinet. I go to peel the skin off of the kiwi and get about halfway through it before the knife slips and hits my finger. Thinking nothing of it, I continue to peel the fruit until I realize that I'm bleeding profusely from the side of my thumb next to my fingernail. The pain hits me quickly and I yell, "ENJY!" I can't really think of anyone else to yell for.

"Yes?" I hold up my thumb and he grimaces. "Do you need a Band-Aid?"

"_No_, I'll just sit here and bleed out. Don't worry, I'll yell for you if my finger turns blue." My sarcasm gets even worse if I'm in pain. It's a natural defense mechanism. Enjolras rolls his eyes and grabs my hand, inspecting the cut.

"It's not that bad. Rinse it off with warm water and I'll be right back."

"When did you turn into Joly?"

"When you cut your finger open while peeling fruit." I grin innocently at him and he spins on his heel, running off to the bathroom to grab me a Band-Aid. I hold my thumb in my other hand, trying to stop the bleeding. I completely disregard Enjolras's tip to wash my hand off. It's not _that_ bad. I've been through far worse. There's a huge scar on my arm from a few years ago. I… um… I fell out of a tree. But the way I got the scar isn't really important.

"Eppy, I told you to rinse your hand off."

"Do I really need to?" He pries my thumb out of my grasp. The bleeding has gotten far worse. I roll my eyes and turn on the sink, running my wound under the cold water. The pain is relieved almost immediately and I sigh in content. Enjy squirts some Neosporin on my finger and I yelp at the sting, shaking my hand frantically. He smirks and wraps the bandage around my thumb.

"Better?" I nod, shoving my hand in the pocket of my sweatshirt. Nothing stings more than Neosporin on an open wound. "Try not to cut yourself again." He takes the kiwi and peels _all of the skin off_ in one swift flick of the wrist. My jaw drops.

"How did you do that?" I demand angrily. If I hadn't have cut my finger, it would have taken me at least five more minutes to peel that kiwi.

"Old family secret," he says, cracking his knuckles. I glare at him and snatch my kiwi away, taking a huge bite of the sour, green fruit. I look up and wipe the juice off of my face when I realize that Enjolras is still standing there, looking at me expectantly.

"Oh… uh… thanks for peeling my kiwi."

* * *

**A/N: Based on a true story. My finger is still bleeding. It's not fun. It's ver hard to typr witj a bandage on youe thumb. SEE? DO YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS OBNOXIOUS!**

**-JC, the onr who camnot tupe righy now.**


	14. April Fools

**A/N: Oh my gosh, this is the funniest one I've written so far. This was my April Fool's Day chapter. I don't know if it's AFD where you are, but it is where I am: MER'KA. AKA America. I swear we're not ****_that_**** uncivilized. So, this one is totally, absolutely hilarious, and is unmatched in both hilarity and slight inappropriateness. It's like an old episode of a sitcom that everyone records on their DVR because it's freaking awesome and funny. I'm following April Fool's logic and I'm doing the end Author's Note where the beginning Author's Note is. I should warn you that this is in Cosette's POV.**

**-JC, the one who will start writing the fic now.**

* * *

"Does anyone else hear that?" Marius asks. We all go silent and immediately hear a groan come from the basement. The only two people in the basement are Eponine and Enjolras. Marc grimaces.

"Your friends are disgusting, Courf," he says.

"No, no, no, I'm sure it's not what you think." I really don't think it's that, either. They aren't like that. I mean, they_ are _the biggest offenders of breaking the "No PDA" rule, but that doesn't mean they would do something like that.

There's a loud crash and Eponine says, "_God_, Enjy!"

I don't know about you, but to me, that doesn't sound very promising. Marius pauses the TV so that we can listen closer to them.

"You're not good at this, Eppy." Enjolras says with a laugh.

"Hey, I've never done this before!" I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle my laughter. I really hope that my imagination is just getting the best of me, but with what's going on right now, I'm not sure if it is.

"You know what? I'm not sure if I even want to know," Musichetta says. "Can you just turn the TV up so we can drown them out?" Marius shakes his head no.

"I'm entertained." I'm really glad that Gavroche is in bed, because this is getting really weird.

"EPPY, YOU BROKE IT!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO!"

"Oh my God, we are going to get in _so much _trouble."

That… uh… I don't know how to… I'm just… I'm done. Part of me wants to go downstairs and see what they're doing, and the other part of me wants to die, because my suspicions are the only thing I have right now, and they aren't looking very far-fetched. I just can't believe it. Eponine and Enjolras are the last couple I would ever suspect of doing anything like that. It's entirely unbelievable.

"Should someone go-" I cut off Marc by holding up my hand, motioning for him to be absolutely silent. There's another groan, and then Enjolras shouts, "Yes! I win again!" I'm totally confused now. What in the world are they doing? I really agree with Marc now. Someone should go down there.

But we're all way too scared to do it. I can hear loud pounding on the stairs and I hold my breath, prepared for the worst. Eponine steps into the living room, holding a broken ping-pong paddle and wearing one of Enjolras's sweatshirts and basketball shorts. I don't know if I should be totally disgusted or confused. Why would she have a ping pong paddle? Maybe I misjudged them.

"Hey, Marc? Uh… Enjy broke your ping pong paddle. It was not my fault, no matter what he says. I promise." She stares at Marc for a second, and then she breaks down. "Okay, Enjy has me beat 14-0, and I got really, really mad and slammed your paddle on the table. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to, and-"

"Wait, you guys were playing _ping pong_?" Marius asks incredulously. She nods confusedly.

"What did you think we were-" She gives us a disgusted look. "NO. GUYS. YOU FIVE ARE DISGUSTING. I AM ABSOLUTELY DONE WITH ALL OF YOU. GOD. NO." She stomps back down the stairs, slamming the door behind her.

They stay silent for a while, and then Enjolras yells, "OH, GOD, NO. THAT'S DISGUSTING." I burst out laughing, along with Musichetta. I love how their reaction was exactly the same. They're such nerds, though. They're in a basement, _alone_, and the first thing they choose to do is play ping pong.

Another thing I can't believe, though, is that Eponine has never played ping pong. There's a ping pong table in the café. I thought that playing ping pong was a sort of rite of passage at the Café Musain. No one enters the café and leaves without playing at least one game of ping pong. I mean, even I've been roped into a drunken game of ping pong with Grantaire, which, surprisingly, he won. I'm fantastic at ping pong, and yet, a drunken Grantaire beat me 21-19. I got pretty frustrated, so I can definitely see why Eponine broke the paddle.

"OW! MERDE! ENJY!" Oh, crap. You know that something bad happened when Eponine swears in French. "GO GET ME SOME ICE! OW! VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE, ENJY!" There go those French swears again. She never swears in English, but when it comes to French, she talks like a sailor.

"Hey, can I have an ice pack?" Enjolras asks, closing the door to the basement while Eponine screams random French swears.

"What did you do?" Enjolras sighs and raises an eyebrow at Courfeyrac.

"Well, I hit Eponine in the eye with a ping pong ball. Are you going to get me an ice pack or not? Because I really don't want Gavroche to wake up and hear his sister swearing at me mercilessly in French."

Marius snickers. "Enjolras, you are _so_ dead."

"You just can't stop hitting people in the face, can you? God, Enjolras, you broke my nose, and now Eponine is going to have a black eye. What're you going to do next, knock a few of Cosette's teeth out?"

"Shut up, Musichetta. Can I _please_ have that ice pack before Eponine knocks a few of _my_ teeth out?"

* * *

**A/N: I always feel bad when I swear in my fics. But the good thing is, it's not English. But I felt horrible looking up stuff like that on Microsoft Translator. I refuse to translate those. You can find out what they mean on your own. Have a happy AFD and enjoy my backwards story. Eponine has a black eye now.**

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**ONWARD!**


	15. Energy Drinks

**A/N: For some reason, my updates aren't showing up in the Les Mis archives. I've updated, but it doesn't think I have. It's got the chapter on there, and it says that I posted, but it's not moving my story to near the top. This chapter better show up, or my brain is going to explode. My laptop is going to be covered in nasty brain matter because FANFICTION IS BEING A BUTT MONKEY. THANKS A MILLION, FREAKING FANFICTION. I HATE YOU. YOU HAD ONE JOB. AUGH, I TRY TO WRITE ONE SUPRE-FUNNY CHAPTER AND FANFICTION IS TOO DUMB TO POST IT PROPERLY. LASDVFMEOASREVHR. Two POVs- Cosette, Eponine.**

* * *

**ONWARD.**

* * *

"Shh, we have to hurry before she gets in here," Gavroche whispers.

"I still don't think this is a good idea…"

"Courf, don't ruin the fun," I say. "Musichetta, do you have the stuff?" Musichetta holds up the silver, red, and blue can. "Pour it in!" She shushes me and pours the fizzy liquid into the Keurig coffee machine. This is going to be very fun.

* * *

And now, we present to you, Eponine's POV.

* * *

I choke down the rest of my coffee, refusing to not drink it, even though it tastes like battery acid. I don't know what's in the water here, but at the café, this coffee tastes amazing. Two seconds after I finish it, I get a burst of energy that's completely unmatched by any energy that my regular coffee has ever given me. My fingers start to twitch uncontrollably.

"C-Cosette, what did you put in my coffee?" She grins mischievously and Gavroche almost bursts out laughing, if not for Courfeyrac covering his mouth with his hand.

"I didn't put _anything _in your coffee, Eponine, what are you talking about?"

"N-No, I know y-you put something in my c-coffee." I shoot her a glare the best I can, what with all of this caffeine in my system. I drum my fingers against the table.

"Let me rephrase that. _I_ didn't put anything in your coffee. You can ask Musichetta for that." I try to stand up, but my legs barely work.

"Well, what did _Musichetta_ put in my coffee?"

"Oh, nothing important. Just a whole can of Redbull, that's all." My jaw drops. _Redbull_?

"Isn't that an energy d-drink?" Gavroche nods, unable to stifle his laughter any longer. "You _know_ w-what happens when I d-drink energy drinks!" Energy drinks are kind of like beer to me. I get about as drunk as Grantaire when I drink anything like that. Redbull is going to kill me. My fingers twitching is only the beginning of the terror. "I am g-going to kill all of you!"

"You'll have to catch us first," Cosette says, smirking. Well, that's just not fair at all. My legs aren't really working at the moment because they put _Redbull_ in my coffee. I officially hate everything.

"Come on, Eponine, live a little and enjoy your day-long hype." I glare at my brother. I am getting sick and tired of everyone telling me to _live a little_. I live every day. I'm just not stupid.

Oh my God, I am _so_ boring. It's Spring Break, and I haven't done anything relatively interesting. Well, that's about to change.

"Ce que l'enfer." This is _my_ week. I am _not_ going to be boring this week. Enjolras walks in the kitchen groggily and I see a sudden opportunity.

"Good morni-" I grab both sides of Enjy's face and kiss him, bounding off into the living room with a huge grin on my face.

"Okay, what did you put in her coffee?"

"Just a little bit of pure liquid energy," Courfeyrac explains. I like that explanation- _pure liquid energy._ That's definitely what it feels like, especially as it pumps through my very being. It feels amazing.

"Yeah, and it's great!" I say, swinging back into the kitchen. "I _love_ it!" I go to fix another cup of coffee, but he stops me, blocking the Keurig coffee maker with his hand.

"No more." I glare at Enjolras, trying to push him out of the way.

"_Move_."

"Okay, this may have gone a bit too far," Cosette says. I push harder on his arm, but he refuses to budge. Musichetta walks in the kitchen and stares at me incredulously.

"Is this what happens when Eponine gets Redbull?" she asks. I nod, that wide grin still plastered on my face.

"Oh, so this is _your_ fault," Enjy says. Musichetta nods in response. "Okay, that's fine. You're on hangover duty."

"No way. I don't care whose fault it is, I am _so_ not doing that."

"Okay, ex_cuse _me, but Eponine Thenardier does _not_ get hangovers. It's hereditary." Well, I'm not totally sure of that, but it must be, because my parents would never get hangovers after a night of drinking. No one has to be on "hangover duty," because I'm too awesome to ever get hung over. Enjolras moves away from the coffee maker to argue with Musichetta, so I take my chance and get another mug full of coffee. I hate the taste, but I love the buzz.

I gulp down the rest of the coffee and Enjy glares at me, taking the water container from the coffee maker and dumping it out in the sink.

"Hey, what was that for?" Of course, he just _had_ to go and dump out the best coffee I've ever had.

"It's going to make you sick."

"It will_ not_! I am absolutely fine."

"Oh really? So, you won't fall if I do this?" He pushes gently on my shoulder and I fall backwards slightly, catching myself before I fall on the ground.

"Enjolras, vous êtes un âne." I always slip into French when I get frustrated. It's a force of habit. I'm not okay with swearing in _English_ in front of Gavroche. Once everyone hears my frustration, they make the smart decision of leaving the room. "Merde. Help me up."

"Get up on your own, oh tolerant one," he teases me. I don't find it very funny, actually. I can't find the humor in my boyfriend making fun of me like that.

"I… uh… I can't. Please help me up." I really shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee. Though enjoyable, it probably wasn't the best idea. My vision is kind of blurry and I can't feel my fingers. Now I know how Grantaire must feel when he gets wicked drunk. It feels amazing, yet somewhat miserable.

"No, you're stuck." Wait, what? He's just going to let me lay on the floor? Well, isn't _that_ just wonderful. What a great boyfriend he is. What kind of boyfriend leaves you stuck on the floor when you fall?

"Are you just going to stand there and watch me burn?" I must be really "drunk" if I'm quoting an Eminem song that I've only heard once. He rolls his eyes and grabs my outstretched hand, pulling me up. "Thank you."

"Aren't you glad that I dumped out all of that Redbull?"

"No. I still don't forgive you for that one." He pushes on my shoulder again and I fall over. He laughs and runs off, leaving me on the ground. "HEY!"

* * *

**A/N: Oh, Eponine, you are so drunk. It's rather hilarious. I enjoy writing drunken characters, especially when they're normally so solemn. I just can't wait to see what happens when Eponine drinks beer, if this is what a simple Redbull-coffee mixture does to her. Please review. FANFICTION, YOU HAD BETTER DO THIS RIGHT, I AM COUNTING ON YOU.**

**-JC, the one who speaks to inanimate objects.**


	16. Bones RPD, er, G

**A/N: Lucky for you guys, fanfiction is not being un visage de merde (I have grown accustomed to my French swears), so we can continue. This chapter is about my favorite TV show in the evers, Bones. I freaking love Bones. It's awesome. Don't judge me because I am amazing. Right now, I'm rewatching the putain pilot because at first my brother watched it without me AND OH MY GOD POURQUOI L'ENFER DID ANGELA JUST RIP HER SHIRT OPEN, CE QUI LA BAISE? I… uh… well… MOO.**

**À PARTIR!**

* * *

"Please, just this once?"

"Absolutely not."

"Come on, _you_ made me watch the twelve part Bible miniseries on History! Seriously, Enjy, I think I know about the Bible."

"It only had _ten_ parts, not twelve." Whatever, it was about as boring as reading through the actual book.

"Well, I had to watch ten hours. You only have to watch one. Please? _Please? PLEASE?_" I get right in his face, trying to break him down. With enough persistence, I can definitely accomplish this. I've gotten him to watch an episode of Bones with me before, and I'm almost _certain_ I can do it again.

"Okay, okay, just get out of my face." SUCCESS! I win, I win. I've already gotten everyone else to watch it with us. Apparently, Marc and Courfeyrac are huge Bones fans, so they were all about sitting down and watching the best episode in the whole series- Aliens in a Spaceship. Musichetta agreed because she didn't have anything better to do, Cosette just went along with it, and Gavroche decided to watch it because I apparently have great taste in shows. I had to… _persuade_ Marius to watch this instead of Toddlers and Tiaras, which is far more disgusting than staring at blood and maggot-covered bones on a huge LED screen. Persuade meaning hold his arm behind his back and not let go until he screams mercy. It really worked quite well. I had to hurt him even more, though, because instead of saying mercy, he was trying to be funny and said "Pontmercy." He got kicked in the small of his back for that one by my steel-toed boots.

That was actually rather satisfying. It's definitely payback for him keeping Toddlers and Tiaras on a television other than one in a child abuse office.

"Come on, you guys made us watch Duck Dynasty, so I'm making you guys watch Bones. It's on in five minutes!" Everyone runs into the living room rather excitedly, except for Marius, who doesn't seem very happy about missing the next episode of "Exploiting Your Children for Trophies and Money." I think he'll enjoy Bones a lot more, though. It's far more interesting. Right when they show the bones, my face lights up with pure glee, Cosette gags, and Marius shrieks like a little girl. Enjy actually looks kind of interested, though.

"Who are-" Courf, Marc, and I all shush her loudly and she shrinks back into her seat. _Yeah, you had better be quiet, Musichetta, or I'll break your nose again. _Well, I mean, after it heals.

We must be a very strange looking group. Musichetta's nose is broken and bandaged, I probably look like a Dalmatian with this big black circle around my eye, and Gavroche is missing one of his incisors, which, luckily, he actually lost naturally. But he's still got a bloody tissue in his mouth, which must make any onlookers think that we're a crew of either murderers or very violent friends. The first one, however, is not true. _Yet. _But it will be if Marius doesn't stop TALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW ABOUT HOW FAMILIAR ONE OF THE ACTORS LOOKS!

"L'enfer se taire, Marius, I'm trying to watch this show," I snap after Marius says something about "Julie Ann Emery."

"You're obsess-"

"SHUT UP, MARIUS!" Everyone yells, including Enjolras, who apparently hates Bones. But he doesn't, of course, so there's our third show that we can watch at the same time. Honestly, we have some really weird tastes in shows. Duck Dynasty, MythBusters, and Bones. There's the weirdest trio _ever_.

"Okay, now we have to do character assignments," Cosette announces the minute the show ends.

"I don't know what that means." Cosette grins and points at me.

"Okay, that's where we'll start. Eponine, you're Dr. Brennan." Everyone looks entirely confused except for Musichetta.

"Oh, RPGs!" WHAT IS AN RPG?

"Exactly. So that means that, by default, Enjolras is Booth."

"Guys, I really don't want to be a part of your crazy… uh, that's about it. I don't want to be part of your crazy." I absolutely agree with Enjy.

"Well, that's what you got when you started dating Eponine. You basically _signed up _for the crazy," Musichetta explains. "So, who am I?"

"I'd go with Angela," Gavroche supplies. "You're very artistic." She nods, but I'm still confused.

"Can someone please explain to me what an RDG is?" Enjolras taps my shoulder and I raise an eyebrow at him. "Yes?"

"It's R_P_G. It stands for 'Role Playing Game'." Oh. That makes _some_ sense.

"So… Cosette is definitely Cam. No doubt about it."

"I get to boss all of you around? _Awesome_!" Marius shrugs.

"You sort of already do." Cosette glares at him and he falls silent, only proving his point more.

"So, um, Courf can be Hodgins," Marc says. I look between Musichetta and Courfeyrac awkwardly. I don't know about anyone else, but they actually would be a great couple. Hold on; let me think of one of those stupid celebrity couple names. _Courfeyretta. _Oh wow, that is just _too_ good.

We establish that Gavroche is Lance Sweets, which fits him very well. Marc takes the role of Vincent Nigel-Murray, even though he died in season six.

I must say, this is basically the weirdest thing I have ever done in my life. Role playing? I feel like a nerd. I mean, isn't this what those crazy people at Comic-Con do? They come dressed up as Power Rangers or something and pretend to beat up some villain from the series. It's absolutely insane.

"So, what do we do with this information? Is it really that important?" I ask.

"Of _course_ it's important. Isn't it fun to know what character you most identify with?" Musichetta asks, looking very hopeful that I will agree.

"I can't say it is…"

"Oh, come on, _Dr. Brennan_, it's kind of fun," Enjy says, agreeing with the girl that I thought was one of his self proclaimed mortal enemies. Musichetta grins at my predicament. I sort of _have_ to agree with Enjolras. We're sort of dating. Sort of.

Wow, my friends must really, really hate me. This is absolutely unfair.

"If you start calling me that, I will end your life."

"Hey, threatening your boyfriend isn't exactly the best way to start anything off," Gavroche says. GOD, HE'S EXACTLY AS ANNOYING AS LANCE SWEETS. AND I _HATE_ LANCE SWEETS. I also hate psychology, so if Gavroche turns into a shrink like my stupid anger management shrink, I think I might just have to murder him. I've already contemplated killing my shrink, but I've watched enough crime shows to know that even I'm not smart enough to get away with mass murder.

"Oh, don't worry, it's not a threat. It's a _promise_. Maybe I'll just bury all of you guys alive like the Gravedigger. It seems faintly effective." There's nothing that a true Bones fan hates more than jabs about the Gravedigger. But right now, desperate times call for desperate measures. And joking about the Gravedigger is _definitely_ a desperate, very dangerous measure.

"Don't _joke_ about the Gravedigger," Marc warns me. "I might just have to kill you for that." I stick my tongue out at him. That is _definitely _Enjolras's fault. His childlike actions are rubbing off on me.

"Well, if we're following the roles of this RPB-"

"RP_G._"

"-This RPG, then I actually have all control over you. Get to work, squintern." I smirk at him. I don't care how much older and taller than me he is. I'm pretty confident.

"How about you _don't_ annoy my brother?" I turn my smirk on Courfeyrac, who is also Hodgins.

"It's rather entertaining to irritate Marc-slash-Vincent. It's actually really entertaining to annoy _anyone_. Now I see why _you_ do it, Gavroche." Gav glares at me and I laugh. It's funny to see my brother, who reaches a terrifying height of 5 feet and still looks like he's no older than ten, try to intimidate me.

Key word: _try_. It's very, very ineffective. And also very, _very_ hilarious. I am going to enjoy this "Role Playing Game" very much.

* * *

**A/N: GUESS WHO'S PAST 20,000 WORDS? WE ARE! I LOVE BONES! WOOOOOO! But I also despise Andrew Pelant and I hope he dies a slow and painful death while giving birth to an ostrich through his nose and laying on a bed made purely of Legos. Then, I will take his dead body, rip his face off, burn his body, and feed his ashes to his newborn ostrich that I will name Nostrich because he came from Andrew Pelant's nostril.**

**-JC, the one who makes up very intricate threats.**


	17. How to Manage a Dog

**A/N: Um… My Author's Notes ideas are suddenly drying up. I have no idea what to write to entertain you. Dxmv bt6 cb 5t5r wz9e8p3- pm3qm45= pcq**

**That's a little note from my dog, who thought it would be cool to step on my keyboard so that he could lick my face. Thank you very much, Chewie. I ****_really_**** appreciate that. OMG IDEA PLOT BUNNY IDEA I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO WRITE! THANK YOU CHEWIE!**

* * *

I'm walking back to Marc's house from the bookstore with a copy of the Grimmerie when I hear a little whimper come from a back alley. I follow the sound and I meet an adorable dog, who can't be more than eight inches tall. If not for his whimpering, I might have not been able to see him, due to his black fur. I click my tongue, holding out my hand for him to sniff me.

He shoves his nose in my hand and his tail starts wagging furiously. I can't resist this little guy. His snout and eyebrows are actually brown, along with his paws and halfway up his long legs. He looks like a miniature Rottweiler almost. His fur is thick and scruffy, giving him a sort of beard. He doesn't have a collar on, so that makes him totally achievable. I lift him up in my arms and shift my book under my arm.

"You need a name. Coop?" He gives me this look that says, _Who do you think I am?_ "Ari?" He gives me that look again. "Hey, all I've got is names from books. So it's either Fenrir or Lupin. One bark for Fenrir and two for Lupin." He just sits there and stares at me. "Okay, your name is Lupin. Fenrir Greyback is a jerk. Get over it." I take him to the pet store and get him a collar to fit around his tiny, thin neck. I buy him everything he needs- food, bowls, a leash, and a tag with my phone number and the phone number of the Musain printed on it.

I have a very good plan on how to care for my dog. I'll keep him at the café so that if I'm not at home, I can get someone else to take care of him. My uncle is also kind of allergic to pet fur, which makes keeping my adorable little friend at home not an option.

"Come on, Lupin," I say, trying to get my dog to stand up instead of sitting defiantly in the middle of the pet store. I pull on his leash, but he simply refuses to move. I walk over to pick him up, but then he decides to scamper off, grinning and panting as he runs in the direction of the rawhide bones. "Oh, you want one of those?" He yips, and I take that as a yes, grabbing the largest bone that I can find that _isn't_ bigger than the length of his body. He's pretty small, but I'm sure he can manage this enormous bone. I think that he'll be a very happy puppy.

* * *

"What is _that_?" Enjy asks, motioning towards a sleeping Lupin in my arms. The huge bone that I bought for him is lying under his nose, partially gnawed on. He didn't get very far with it, but he loved it, so I'm rather proud of my success in finding him something to occupy his teeth that _isn't_ my hand.

"Well, _he_ is a dog that I found in the alley." He raises his eyebrows at me. "Look, I even got him a collar!" I gently lift up the plaid collar that I hooked around Lupin's neck. There's a small metal tag that says _Lupin Thenardier_ on it hanging off of the collar. "He's cute, don't you think? We could keep him in the café."

"You named him _Lupin?_" At the sound of his name, Lupin wakes up and stares at Enjy.

"Yes. Can we please keep him?"

"No." My shoulders slump visibly and I scratch the top of Lupin's snout, making him sneeze and yawn.

"Please? Look at his little face." I hold him up under his front legs, letting him stick his snout in Enjolras's face. He licks Enjy's nose and Enjy crinkles up his nose, leaning away from Lupin.

"Gross." Lupin kicks at my arms with his hind legs until I let him lay back down in my lap, stroking his fur mindlessly. "I am not keeping that thing in the Musain."

"_HE_ is coming home with us whether you like it or not. Courf, Marc, Marius and Cosette are already completely in love with him. Musichetta and Gavroche haven't seen him yet, but whatever. I know they'll love him, too. And, you know, I am kind of fond of him myself, save for the times that he scratches me." I hold up my badly scratched hands that will now be covered in scars because of Lupin's unmanaged toenails. Lupin nuzzles his snout under my hand, trying to get me to pet him again. "He's very needy. Come on, Enjy, pet him." He shakes his head and I glare at him. "He'll like you then…" I shift my dog into Enjy's arms and they both stare at me, giving me very similar looks.

"I do _not_ like your dog." Lupin yips, assuring that the feeling is very mutual.

"Well, you're stuck with him until he dies. And before you say anything, don't even _try_. I bet you're just jealous because I'm giving him more attention than you right now. You're _both_ needy." I think that the reason why they're butting heads is because they're almost exactly alike. Lupin crawls back into my lap.

"Well, I don't like _Lupin_, and it doesn't like me. I guess we're just stuck in mutual hatred."

"Oh, come on, you know you love him. Just look at him." Lupin gives Enjy the cutest puppy dog face ever and he caves.

"He is cute…"

"No, he's adorable, and you love him, so hold him." I thrust Lupin back in his arms and he scratches behind his ear. Lupin's tail thumps against the couch loudly and he licks Enjy's wrist. "See? Now, can I _please_ take him home with us?" Lupin snuggles his head under Enjy's chin, making him smile involuntarily.

"Okay, but it's not because I like him or anything. I'm just doing this because you're my girlfriend, and he's your dog." I notice how he's finally not calling my dog an _it_.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, Marble Man." He glares at me.

"Don't call me that." I grin mischievously at him.

"Are you too buff to like puppies? Come on, something must be able to crack you- something other than me, of course."

"For the love of God, stop making that analogy! It's not even relatively true!" Alright, I'll believe that- never.

"Okay... But if it was true, I'm certain that I'm the reason that you've gotten all cracked." Lupin crawls into the space in between us, wanting our full, undivided attention. He's far needier than Enjolras, it seems. But of course, Enjolras has other plans, and Lupin nudges at my arm jealously, trying to pull my attention away from Enjolras's lips.

He eventually scampers off, only to be scooped up by a very doting Marius who "absolutely loves puppies, yes he does…"

I'll have to revoke his man card from him when I'm done with my… previous engagement.

* * *

**A/N: My chapters are getting very fun to write. They also are more than 1000 words. This one is actually 1171 words. I'm proud of myself. Now, please review, and give me some ideas. I'm trying to reach 30 chapters before I start writing an epilogue. **


	18. Playing with the Emotions of Eponine

**A/N: I had to do it. It had to happen. I needed a new character to add in, and I thought that this character is so little seen that she is ****_so_**** moldable and I am going to have so much fun and OMIGOD. Just. OMIGOD. Everyone is back from Bordeaux, mkay? **

**Shoutout to my friend who is most likely reading this whose name will be withheld *cough* Bella *cough*. Yeah, that's not your real name, I freaking know. BUT YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.**

**Disclaimer that I haven't done in a while: I own Les Miserables. It is all mine and I am very rich andanlkyerhcariuahkraerca**

**Victor Hugo: I slammed her face on the keyboard. No need to thank me. Okay, seriously, I'm going to go be dead now. Because I'm Victor Hugo.**

* * *

**ONWEIRD AGAIN!**

* * *

I'm huddled up in the corner of the Musain (yes, I did steal Combeferre's spot, just like he stole my couch a while ago, which I still hold a grudge against him for), listening to my soundtracks on my phone and reading Hunger Games fanfiction on my laptop when the door swings open, which is rather odd, considering everyone that is normally here is already here. I hear someone say my name, and my head shoots up out of my laptop.

"Yes?"

"Jesus, Eponine, you look really different since the last time I saw you." Oh my God.

"Putain de merde, Azelma? I haven't seen you since you were five!" Unlike Gavroche and me, Azelma got adopted by Mom's sister when she was a lot younger. She left when I was seven and we were going through serious finance issues. And then, many moons later, or whatever, Mom and Dad got arrested, and here I am. But Azelma must have been raised really rich and really girly, because she's wearing really nice, really expensive looking brand name clothes. She's also wearing a skirt. Which is strange.

"Eponine, who is this?" Enjy asks. Everyone also seems to want the answer to that question, including Gavroche, who probably doesn't remember anything about Azelma, considering he was only three when she left.

"This is Azelma, my lit- _younger_ sister." Yes, Azelma is taller than me. I used to be so much taller than her! Ce que l'enfer happened?

"We have a sister?" Gavroche asks. I nod awkwardly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, you never asked."

"I don't see it. How could you two even be related?" Bahorel asks. I understand his reasoning. Azelma is dressed like a fourteen year old runway model and her hair is a reddish brown that oddly compliments her pale complexion. _I,_ however, am wearing an old aviator's jacket over a Green Lantern t-shirt and torn jeans, my dark brown hair is pulled into a ponytail and under one of Grantaire's baseball caps that he gave me a while ago, and I'm pretty tan, actually. We both glare at Bahorel at the same time, and his face lights up in recognition. "Oh, _that's _how."

"Fils de pute." Azelma raises an eyebrow at me. Oh, merde, she's probably a prude or something like that, and every time I swear, French or not, she's going to get on to me for it.

"You swear often, don't you?" I shrug, grinning innocently at her glare.

"Yes, yes she does," Enjolras says, eliciting a glare from me in his direction. "Hey, I'm only telling the truth." Azelma grins at Enjy, her eyes skimming over his muscular frame.

"Who is this?" I smile overly sweetly at her and wrap an arm around her shoulders.

"This is my boyfriend, Enjolras Rougeior." No, I do not get jealous easily, what are you talking about?

"Oh, um… Whoops?"

"Yeah. _Whoops_. No one touches my Enjy." Enjy smirks while everyone tries to fight back laughter. EVEN THE DOG IS LAUGHING AT ME. Well, I'm not sure, but Lupin does look like he's laughing at me, and it's bothering me. Where did that come from? _My Enjy_. Well, in all honesty, he is _mine_ and he is _my_ boyfriend. I raise an eyebrow at everyone and they immediately stop laughing. Except for Lupin, who just sits there and grins at me. Oh well, he's just a dog. What does he know?

"You're very possessive, Eponine," she says, and I shoot her a glare. I am _not_. He's just my boyfriend, and I don't want my sister sitting there swooning over him. But I am not jealous at all. "So, this is who you hang out with? A bunch of boys in an old, run-down café?"

"No. Two of my friends are actually girls. See?" I pull Musichetta and Cosette to my sides, wrapping my arms around their shoulders awkwardly.

"Eponine, what are you doing?" Musichetta asks, trying to get out from under my arm.

"Just go with it. So, these are my only friends that are girls. But at least I _have_ friends that are girls." Azelma rolls her eyes and I suddenly realize the resemblance between her and me. At least now, people can tell that we're actually related.

* * *

"So, Enjolras, what's your favorite color?" It seems like an innocent question. Yes, I _am_ spying on my sister, who is sitting with my boyfriend and talking to him. But I'm not going to interfere, because I am _not_ possessive, and he can do what he wants.

"Red." Azelma giggles and twirls her reddish hair around her index finger. My heart rate is speeding up significantly and my face turns scarlet. There's a weird feeling bubbling up in the pit of my stomach that's making me see red. I am furious. Furious, _not_ jealous. How could I be jealous of my younger sister… and… OH MY GOD, THAT IS IT. I storm over to the table that they're at, grab Azelma's arm, and yank her into the corner.

"Azelma, he is _my_ boyfriend. Will you please just stop?" She bursts out laughing and I glare at her. "What are you laughing about? I am _furious_!" She stops laughing in order to place her hand on my shoulder.

"Eponine, sweetie, dearest sister of mine, calm down, please. I am not doing anything with your boyfriend that will… um… _jeopardize your relationship._ We were merely doing a scientific experiment on _you_." She pokes my arm when she says "you" and I huff angrily at her.

"What kind of experiment?"

"A scientific study on the effects of jealously on one specific Eponine Thenardier."

"I am _not _jealous of you! I just am frustrated because _my_ boyfriend is giving _you _all of his attention and…" She's got this huge grin on her face as if she's just proved a point. "You know, I'm not helping myself at all."

"Eponine, really, I'm two years younger than you. Enjolras and I are _not_ going to get together, no matter how hot he is."

"Azelma…" I warn her, and she laughs again.

"It's all part of the experiment, Eponine. And so far, my hypothesis is so absolutely proven that it's not even funny."

"What exactly is this hypothesis of yours?"

"Eponine becomes easily jealous, especially when it comes to her boyfriend, who she is very possessive of."

"I am NOT jealous! I never get jealous of anyone or anything. Jealousy is Enjolras's job. He's even jealous of the dog." Enjolras is the needy one, not me. I won't have anyone telling me any different, especially my sister, who I haven't seen in nine years.

"I should record the denial in the notes section of my experiment."

"I am _NOT_ in denial of anything!"

"Yeah, what-the-heck-ever. Thank you for your help in science. I'm putting _this_ experiment in the next science fair at school. It's sure to win."

"Don't you dare."

"Oh, why don't you just try to stop me?"

Jesus, couldn't I have just _chosen_ my family?

* * *

**A/N: That's how I feel about ****_my_**** family most of the time, Eponine. Don't worry. **

**Scientists Azelma and Enjolras seem to be enjoying their reign over Eponine's uncontrollable jealousy.**

**HOLY MOTHER OF GOD CHICKEN FINGERS I DIDN'T SIGN OFF ON MY LAST CHAPTER. MOTHER OF MARY HEEBLEJEEBLES THIS IS… IS… ****_INCONCIEVEABLE. _****NAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. THIS IS NOT OKAY. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I AM FAR TOO LAZY TO UPDATE THE CHAPTER, AND- ooh, an idea. I'll sign off twice on this chapter.**

**-JC, the one who forgot to sign off.**

**-JC, the one who is redundant.**


	19. Alien Lockdown

**A/N: Here you go, CBuscus. It's all for you. ****_ALL FOR YOU_****. I hope you're happy. This one has sexual references in it, just to warn you. If you don't think jokes like that are funny, you really shouldn't be reading this story, now should you? I'm an inappropriate kid, dude. I'm sitting here in my new hat and aviator's jacket, so I feel cool. I'm also singing along to my Les Mis soundtracks. How d'you do, my name's Gavroche… These are my people, here's my patch…**

**Yeah, I'll stop singing now.**

* * *

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"God, I hate Mondays."

"Cosette, you sound like Garfield." Cosette glares at me and I shrug. "There's no denying it." She continues to glare at me like the irritable little housecat I know she is and doesn't stop until we get to class. She sits down next to her friends that hate me, and I sit down next to my mutual acquaintances, whom of which include Bahorel and the one Jondrette girl. On the board, in pink marker, it says:

"Block 4- Sit down, today will be a HOT MESS."

Great. Just _great_. It's not that I hate English or anything, it's just… well… it _is_ a Monday. Not even Ms. Mansfield can change that, no matter how insanely fun her class is. We start to get into the lesson when the intercom speaker suddenly buzzes to life.

"Everyone get in lockdown positions." We've already had a fire drill today, and now we're having a lockdown drill. The fire drill was obnoxious.

* * *

_"I'm so cold…" I roll my eyes at Cosette and fling off my jacket, thrusting it into her hands._

_"Take it. Whatever." It's not even very cold. I don't know why she's complaining so much about something that isn't happening. She pulls my jacket over her shoulders- that's about as far as it will go. _

_"It's too small."_

_"Shut up, Cosette."_

* * *

But seriously, what's next, a earthquake drill? Like we'll ever even have an earthquake here. We all sit in the far corner of the room with Courfeyrac, Musichetta, and Combeferre sitting across from Cosette and me, conversing awkwardly.

Everything goes silent when we hear the unmistakable bark of the search dogs. Everyone freaks out, to say the least. Cosette is laughing so hard that she's on the verge of tears. I'm still silent, like the perfect little angel-student that I am, but I'm shifting awkwardly, trying to a relatively comfortable way to sit on three stacks of books.

"We're gonna die," Cosette whispers.

"We're not gonna d-" Ms. Mansfield shushes me, so I pull out my notebook in order to converse.

* * *

**We're not gonna die, stupeep. –E**

You spelled it wrong. It's STEW PEEP.

**Oh well. –E**

I bet it's the aliens.

**Oh my God, you're still hung up on that? –E**

Yes, 2.8 is realer than real.

**Realer than sour cream? –E**

What does that even mean?

**I don't know. –E**

It's even more real than you and Enjy's sex life.

**OH MY GOD NO JUST NO JUST NO I HATE YOU –E**

* * *

Cosette is laughing again, but this time, she's trying to be silent, so she's just red-faced and her eyes are watery. I glare at her, but she doesn't stop. Musichetta scoots over and steals the paper, reading over it.

* * *

_It must be pretty real, then. –MC_

**I hate both of you. –E**

Why are you signing what you write?

**Because I want to. –E**

_It makes it easier to read. –MC_

Oh, okay. –Cosette Pontmercy

**I hope you die a slow and painful death. –E**

_The last name suits you well. –MC_

**In a hole full of poisonous spiders and venomous snakes. –E**

Thank you. I think so, too. –Cosette Pontmercy

**While I rip your limbs off slowly while you watch me laugh at your screams of pain. –E**

_Sounds like a plan, Eponine. –MC_

Ep-O-9. –Cosette Pontmercy

**What the heck is that? –E**

It's your name. EpO9. –Cosette Pontmercy

**Ep… oh… nine? OH, I GET IT. You're an idiot. –E**

_Would you prefer Eponine Rougeior? –MC_

**I… um… maybe, maybe. –E**

EpO9 Rougeior. –Cosette Pontmercy

**I want you both to suffer. –E**

I like it, though. That's going to be your name in my phone contacts. –Cosette Pontmercy

_Ooh, good idea, Cosette, I'll jump on board with that. –MC_

**you both. –E**

Haha, I erased your swear word, what're you gonna do now, sucka? –Cosette Pontmercy

**Swear in my mind. Like a sailor. –E**

_Can't really do anything about that. –MC_

**I CAN WRITE IN PEN. –E**

I can stab you with a pen. –Cosette Pontmercy

_I'm going back over there… Cool? –MC_

No, please don't leave me here alone with Eponine, she seriously looks like she's going to murder me in my sleep. –Cosette Pontmercy

**I ****am**** going to murder you. –E**

_I'll stay, in order to save your life. –MC_

**Darn. –E**

* * *

"The lockdown is over. Thank you all very much for cooperating so nicely. You can go back to class now." Cosette steals the paper out of my grip and waves it in my face.

"I am _so_ keeping this. It's comedy gold." Ms. Mansfield flips the lights back on and we all get back to our seats, still trying to recover as much as we can from the awkward and very uncomfortable spots that we were forced to sit in. My legs are basically numb because those stupid books were cutting off my circulation.

"See, what did I tell you? _Hot mess_."

"I guess you're just psychic," Grantaire shouts out, spurring conversations all over the room, including one between Cosette and I in which I am trying to get that incriminating piece of paper back from her.

"I'm giving this to Enjolras."

"Don't you dare." She sticks her tongue out at me, mocking me mercilessly by holding the paper above her head. She _knows_ I can't reach that! "I hate you, did you know that?"

"I know that very well, thank you for asking."

* * *

At lunch, everyone in every class starts frantically turning around like a bunch of crazy meerkats who are trying to _dig before the hyenas come_. They're freaking out about something. If I'm going to follow the previous analogy, I'd say that they're losing their freaking minds because, well, the hyenas came.

"What's going on?" Musichetta asks. Courfeyrac shrugs while Grantaire stands up, craning his neck so that he can actually be able to see out of the windows without having to use his non-existent X-ray vision to look through someone's head. He especially looks like a meerkat with his nose stuck up in the air.

"There's some kid out there that's getting arrested!" I turn around, giving in to the irresistible urge to become a meerkat, and I see a squad car driving off, sirens and all.

"Who was it?" Courf asks.

"Montparnasse," Grantaire replies. _And in that moment, I could have sworn that we were all twelve-year-old girls that wanted to catch up on the latest gossip. _I actually kind of forgot that Montparnasse even existed after I finished seventh grade. I'm kind of glad that I did, now that I know what became of him. Apparently, Montparnasse, who was, like, my _best_ friend up until seventh grade (He was a tool in seventh grade, so I moved on to new friends, like Marius. But at the moment, Marius wasn't exactly a _friend, _per say. You all know about _that_ train wreck.), was in possession of illegal drugs and was selling them. _This_, however, is according to the new editor-in-chief of _People _magazine, Grantaire Enivrer.

Oh well. Lockdowns have become a yearly occurrence at this school. Last year, some idiot junior decided that it would be intelligent to bring a gun to school so that he could show it off and look cool. Musichetta obviously moved here not knowing what kind of crap she was getting herself in to.

_Welcome to the public school system, where we pride ourselves in our average intelligence that is only brought to average by our extravagantly genius students… like Eponine Thenardier._

No, I am not egotistical, what are you talking about?

"No, I swear on my life, it was totally the aliens and they're just disguised as cops, and they came here to find souls, and they're going to steal Montparnasse's, and they just found the drugs so that they could have a reason to 'arrest' him and EXPERIMENT ON HIS BODY AND MORTAL SOUL."

"Cosette, please, not this again," I beg.

"But it was! It's totally the aliens! There's only one explanation for anything that goes wrong in this world, and it's-"

"Aliens, Cosette, we know," Courfeyrac groans. Grantaire grins and starts shaking his arms uncontrollably.

"OH NO, THEY'RE STEALING MY SOUL AS WE SPEAK! 2.8! ALIENS! STEPHANIE!" Cosette glares at him while everyone else with even a lick of common sense bursts out laughing.

The story goes like this. Cosette was with her friends that hate me, and they saw this crazy ad on YouTube that said, "Stephanie wants to talk to you! She only lives 2.8 miles away from where you are!" And Friend 1 said, "Dah, Stephanie must be an alien!" And it blossomed into the craziest conspiracy theory created by freshmen in the history of conspiracy theories.

"That was absolutely _not funny, _Grantaire."

"It was pretty funny," Courfeyrac admits, trying to get Musichetta to stop laughing so uncontrollably.

"Whatever, I guess you all just _won't _be spared in the apocalypse." Everyone bursts out laughing again. Cosette and her friends are hilarious- even if they do hate me.

Well, if they don't hang around me, they must be very intelligent.

* * *

**A/N: Based on a true story. So, you know the drill, favorite lines, anyone? Mine:**

"OH NO, THEY'RE STEALING MY SOUL AS WE SPEAK! 2.8! ALIENS! STEPHANIE!"

**Yes, the story of 2.8 is realer than sour cream. Except for the souls thing. That one was my idea. I just realized that, in my last chapter, I misspelled "Inconceivable." Sorry. My brain was hurting that day, and it couldn't correctly form words. Grantaire's last name literally means "drunk" in French. **

**So, today, I had a very Eponine moment. I was doing math, and then I'm like, "Crap, crap, crap, what is eight times six? Come on, come on, you're supposed to know this; you learned this in first grade!" So I ended up putting 54, and then my friend Antuan comes up, and he's like, "Jeez, JC, it's 48."**

**-JC, the one who cannot math.**


	20. Cosette's Mac

**A/N: TWENTY CHAPTERS, BoLt-BrOs! WOOTWOOT! Let's take a little trip down memory lane for this achievement. Also, it's the month-aversary for the story. I am literally so excited right now, because my bed is right next to the window, and there's a storm. I LOVE ME A GOOD LIGHTNING STORM.**

**Memory Lane Trip!**

**"VIVE LA ARMRESTS!"**

**"What's your essay on? Gay prostitution?"**

**"And, Eponine, three times four is ****_not_**** seven."**

**"Your sister seems to think I'm pretty fun. Right, Eponine?"**

**If you can name the chapters that these came from, I will love you forever. No joke.**

* * *

**ONWARDIFICATION!**

* * *

I knock on Cosette's front door, waiting for her to come and open it. I'm staring at her staircase through the glass part of the door, profusely bored.

* * *

**To: Cosette  
I'm at your door.**

**From: Cosette  
Get in here**

**To: Cosette  
I'm watching your stairs.**

**From: Cosette  
Okuyhgfvb**

**To: Cosette  
Nzizmozpjddlqpsl mislalci**

* * *

There's a tap on my shoulder and I rapidly turn around, only to nearly hit Cosette in the face. "What? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? YOU'RE A WIZARD!"

"Yup. I'm a witch. Deal with it."

"BURN THE WITCH!"

"But seriously, the garage door was wide open. Stupid." Oh. I even walked past the garage door to get to the front door. I am an idiot.

"Yes, I am stupid, thank you for noticing. Now, LET'S GO MINECRAFT!" I come to a screeching halt at her Mac and she sets up Minecraft on it.

"What are you going to build?"

"I don't know." She snatches the mouse and keyboard from my hands and starts building a red and black wool tower. "Hold on, what are you doing?"

"I'm marking the spawn point."

"Let me control the mou- OH GOD, WHAT IS THAT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!" A random spider spawns on the screen and I shriek. I play on peaceful creative mode, for heaven's sake. This is not how things work in my perfect little world of creative Minecraft.

"Calm _down_, Eponine, it's not going to kill you, you're in creative!"

"Jesus, that thing terrified me!" Cosette bursts out laughing, slamming her face on the table. "It is _not_ funny! Put it on peaceful mode!" She clicks the mode changing button thing, laughing all the while at my fear of computer generated mobs. "Shut up, Cosette."

"No. Ooh, we could build the café!"

"Good idea." I press E, still trying to get used to Cosette's wonky Minecraft control settings. I mean, I always use the arrow keys for movement. Who in the world uses A, S, D, F? Well, actually, that's probably everyone. I'm kind of the minority in this situation. I get about halfway up the shell of the café before Cosette asks,

"So, are you hungry?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Do you want cake? We have legit cake in the kitchen."

"OH MY GOD, TAKE ME TO THE CAKE." She goes and gets pizza out of the fridge while I stare at the chocolate cake on the table wistfully. I WANT THE CAKE. IT'S NOT A LIE THIS TIME. "Hey, hold on, don't put that in the microwave, I eat cold pizza."

"Ew, who does that?"

"Me." She rolls her eyes and hands me the uncooked pizza.

"I guess I'll try it, too." We sit down at the island, skimming through the awkward bourbon magazine on the table.

"Oh, I thought that said 'Downton,' and I was like, 'Downton Abbey'?" Cosette gasps and grins at me.

"Do you watch Downton Abbey?"

"No. I hate soap operas." She drags me into the living room and gets out the first season of Downton Abbey.

"Watch it. Absorb it. _Live _it." This is obviously an unhealthy obsession of Cosette's, like Captain America and Misha Collins. So, obviously, this is _not_ going to end well for me.

"I don't want to be a part of your soap operas. Can't we go outside and play baseball with the guys?"

"DOWNTON ABBEY." She's got this insane look in her eyes that scares the crap out of me.

"Okay, okay, I'll watch your stupid soap."

"It's not stupid. Now, shh." Oh, man, she's asking for it. I point at the first person who shows up on the screen and nudge Cosette.

"You know who that is? Your mum." I say the last part in a British accent in order to make fun of the show even more. "And that's your mum, and that's your mum, and that's your mum."

"Well, that's your mum," she replies, pointing at a really old guy that comes on screen. I burst out laughing.

"No, that's totally _your_ mum."

"Okay, shh, now they're talking about the Titanic." I don't care! It is a soap opera! I NEED MY ADVENTURE, MY CRIME SOLVING, MY DEAD BODIES! Yes, I _need_ the dead bodies that my crime dramas provide. It's like my fix of murder victims.

"AUGH, I HATE THIS SHOW." I jump out of my seat, but she grabs on to my jacket sleeve and yanks me back on to the couch. "No, no, no, I'm going to go play baseball, come on."

"Whatever. You suck." We go outside and the guys let us in on their game. I assure them that I am a great baseball player, which, of course, I am. No doubt about it. They're all at least five years younger than Cosette and I. This is going to be _easy_.

I go to bat first, and the ball goes straight past me. Straight. Past. Me. GODDANGIT THIS IS NOT OKAY. I AM AMAZING AT BASEBALL AND COSETTE HAD BETTER STOP TELLING ME THAT I SUCK OR I'M GOING TO HIT HER IN THE FACE WITH THIS BAT. I throw the ball back to my pitcher and it whizzes right next to my head. No. Just no. I swing as hard as I can on the next throw, but instead of hitting the ball, I hit my knee.

"MERDE, MERDE, MERDE, MERDE, MERDE."

"Okay, Eponine, please stop screaming French swears at my baseball bat, I'm sure that my dad won't really appreciate that."

"I just hit myself in the knee with this foutue metal bat, and I'm énervé."

"Yeah, we should really go back inside." All three of the boys are staring at me with wide eyes, watching me fume at the inanimate metal rod in my hands.

"Whatever. I'll just eat more of your food."

"Okay, cool. Enjoy all of my food." Haha, I'm going to eat all of Cosette's food, and- shoot, I'm not hungry.

"Actually… let's go Minecraft again. Or we could write some weird fanfictions. Whatever tickles your fancy."

"Did you really just say that?"

"Yes, yes I did. Do you have a problem with my fancy speak? You were the one who forced me to watch your stupid soaps."

"For the last time, Downton Abbey is _not_ a soap opera. Will you just accept that?"

"No, no I will not. It's a soap opera, Cosette. A soap opera that contains a lot of your multitude of mothers."

"I HAVE ONE _MILLION_ MOTHERS!" We both burst out laughing, me with my obnoxiously loud laugh, and her with her weird seal laugh. "Hey, have you seen _How Animals Eat Their Food_?"

"No, what's that?"

"NO, COME ON, RIGHT NOW, TO THE YOUTUBE!" Cosette pulls up the Internet on her Mac, turning on YouTube and searching the video. My straight face breaks when the guy slams his hands into the table on Alligator. I burst out laughing, almost dying from my lack of oxygen.

After the video, we start to play the "One Word Game."

**Once, there was a dead chicken who ate burgers every day. He had purple hair that was styled into a mohawk and he was a murderer. He murdered dogs that ate his family and-**

My pocket vibrates in the middle of the story and I pull out my phone, checking the screen.

* * *

**From: Aunt M  
Hey Ep im almost here hurry up**

* * *

I can't stand how she texts. It's nearly as bad as Cosette. She refuses to use any sort of grammar, and sometimes, she'll get a text while she's driving, and she'll make my crazy mother hen instincts go on hyper drive by pulling out her phone, saying, "Why don't I just text in the middle of the road? That sounds like a great idea."

She knows just how to press my buttons, and she takes a good pride in that.

* * *

**To: Aunt M  
Please, for the love of God, stop texting and driving, it's hurting my soul.**

**From: Aunt M  
Hurting your soul? thats rich :)**

**To: Aunt M  
Please, please, please, just stop, it burns.**

**From: Aunt M  
Im here**

* * *

Okay, good, now she'll stop texting me while she's on the highway. I also hate those stupid faces that she sends me, like :) and ;). She's so obsessed with irritating me. I guess that makes her pretty cool, though.

"I have to go, Cosette. Don't delete that story or I'll murder you."

"Sir, yes sir!" I roll my eyes. Cosette must be secretly tutoring my aunt. They're both obnoxious.

* * *

**A/N: Based on a true story. My house smells weird. I discovered Mountain Dew: Voltage. **

**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.**

**-JC, the one who is super hyped at midnight!**


	21. Grantaire's Horrid Ideas

**A/N: So, we're almost at ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS! But I only have niNETY EIGHT AND OMG REVIEW OR I WILL KILL YOU. By the way, check out my oneshot Empty Chairs, it's really well written. Apparently. This chapter popped in my brain just a minute ago, and the prospect made me laugh so hard that I just ****_had_**** to write it. So, enjoy, or the aforementioned threat applies.**

**Anna wins one million dollars for guessing correctly. Actually, I'm kidding. But, she does win the honor of reviewing with a quote that I will gladly work my entire next chapter around. Have fun with that, Anna.**

**And no, Captain Billy Joe Sebastian Mercutio Cullen de Chagny, if I may call you that, I will ****_not_**** forgive you. I'M OUT OF COKE NOW. I'll just call you Cap.**

* * *

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"Okay, okay, I have this great idea," Grantaire slurs out, slamming his bottle of wine on the bar. This can't be good. Drunk Grantaire never has good ideas, let alone great ones. I remember what happened the last time he said that…

* * *

_"WHO'S THERE?" _

_"BOOZE REVOLUTION!"_

* * *

Yeah, he built a barricade and decided that he would fight for his right to drink, because Enjy, Combeferre and I were trying to take it from him and Courfeyrac. That was… fun… to clean up. He passed out on the floor and left Enjy and I to clean it up because Combeferre retreated back into his book hub and Courf stumbled off, surrendering all the while.

"Enlighten us, Grantaire," Enjy sighs.

"Well, I thought that you guys could, like, role play as each other and yeah, that," he says, his words jumbling together almost so much that I can't understand them. Courfeyrac bursts out laughing, slamming his hand down on the bar.

"Yeah, do it!" I look at Marius, Cosette, and Enjy awkwardly, shrugging. I guess we could do this for the entertainment of our drunken friends. Enjolras shrugs in response to my shrug and jumps off of his barstool.

"Hey, guys, I'm late for the meeting again, sorry, but I was staring at my girlfriend again and I lost track of time. But don't worry; I brought her with me so that I don't have to listen to Enjolras talk, because that's totally polite and absolutely okay with him." Enjolras makes his voice a lot higher so that he can impersonate Marius, and I find it rather amusing. I put on my best obnoxious popular girl voice and join in on the fun.

"Marius, we should, like, totally go and write, like, poetry together, and then we can be, like, romantic and obnoxious. I'm also totally going to distract you from anything you ever need to do, like the project in Social Studies that you totally have to do with Eponine and Enjolras, because that's, like, great." Cosette and Marius glare at Enjolras and me while Courfeyrac and Grantaire are laughing insanely. Marius jumps up on the bar and grins evilly at Enjy.

"I'm going to grief on Marius again for being late because of his girlfriend, when, in reality, I get lost in the middle of my huge lectures because I'm freaking staring at Eponine. Because that makes complete sense, right, mon amis?" My face turns red. I didn't really know anyone noticed that, but I guess it makes sense because Enjy will go silent for a minute while I grin at him, listening intently to his speech. "Look, there's Eponine, so of course, I need to go attack her lips mercilessly, even though I get mad at Marius and Cosette when they break the PDA rules of the café."

"Hey, guys, I'm better than all of you at everything, you can tell by the thousands of trophies, plaques, and medals I keep in plain sight in my room." She yanks my brown cadet hat off of my head and I shriek, whacking her arm. "Don't even _touch_ my hat or I will tuer votre famille putain. I also swear in French because I'm too much of a wimp to do it in English." She pulls my hat on over her ponytail, leans against the bar, and holds up one of my many empty cans of Coca Cola. "C'est la merde."

"Hey, I'm going to take up the bathroom for an hour so that I can, like, totally do my makeup and hair. This is, like, great when everyone is hanging out at the café; because it's not like Eponine wants to take A MÈRE BAISE SHOWER OR ANYTHING, RIGHT? NO ONE ELSE NEEDS THE BATHROOM, SO I'LL JUST USE IT TO FULFILL ONLY MY DIEU PUTAIN _NEEDS_ LIKE PERFECT MAKEUP."

"Well, the only time I ever wear sweatshirts are when I've stolen them from Enjy."

"Yeah, and I don't care to get them back, so I talk about how cold it is until someone lets me borrow their sweatshirt," Marius adds on, still acting as Enjolras. This might have gone a bit too far, but who cares? C'est putain hilarant. "I'm going to go mind grope Eponine, don't worry about me."

"Okay, we are done here. I have no idea what is going on, but Marius mind groping Eponine was the last straw. I'm just going to break this up, because it's really, _really_ weird," Feuilly says, stepping in the middle of our… interesting conversation. I yank my hat off of Cosette's head, holding it close to my chest. I love this hat. It's like my child. My cloth hat child.

"Thank God you're okay…"

"Are you talking to a hat? Eponine, how much have you had to drink tonight?" I grin, motioning towards my stack of Coke cans that I've actually started building a big, red, aluminum castle with. Luckily, Cosette didn't make my "Château de Canettes" topple to the ground. Feuilly sighs.

"Wow… I think I'll just leave."

"Good idea, Feuilly. This is better than cable, dude! Where's Chetta when you need her?" Courfeyrac slurs. He's drunk now, too. He's gotten to be really good friends with the local drunk. They actually call each other by their last names, now- they're that close. I know, usually people go from a last name basis to a first name basis, but most of the Grantaire takes it in the opposite direction with his guy friends, saying that it makes them sound "far manlier."

"Oh come on, Noyautre, stop talking about your girlfriend all the time." Courfeyrac blushes and takes another gulp of wine, glaring at R.

"Shut up," he mumbles. YES, COURFEYRETTA LIVES ON! I totally ship it. I ship that pairing so hard, it's like Fiyeraba. They're both so amazing, you just can't help but to ship them endlessly. But, of course, Courfeyrac is a big six foot tall wimp, and he can't muster up enough courage to ask a girl who's at least six inches shorter than him to go to the movies with him, or something. Musichetta just denies that she likes him. "She doesn't even like me."

"Of course she doesn't like you, Courf," I say, patting his shoulder with a huge grin on my face. Cosette glares at me.

"Epon-"

"She luuuuuuuurves you." Everyone laughs, minus Courf, of course. "She lurves you, like Marius lurves Cosette. Obnoxiously."

"HEY!" Marius and Cosette yell simultaneously. I snicker because they aren't denying it.

"Well, R, that _was _a great idea, nice work," Enjolras says sarcastically. "You've got everyone all riled up and staring at us."

"Hey, I'm just doing my job, Enj, nothing more, nothing less."

* * *

**A/N: So yeah, Anna, review me that sentence, and I'll have a field day with it. Here's another question so that someone can get the next big honor.**

**Why is JC no longer allowed to go around Best-Friend-Grantaire?**

**Thanks for playing… QUIZ PLATE!**

**-JC, the one who is basically begging for that hundredth review right now.**


	22. The Bet

**A/N: Sorry, guys, I fell asleep really early last night. Captain Psycho won Quiz Plate, so you get to do that sentence thing. I also forgive you. It took a lot of trial and error, but I finally found a way to incorporate Anna's sentence. So, I hope you enjoy it, Anna. I AM SO TIRED OH MY GOD. I'm skipping to summer break. **

***drinks Mountain Dew on my bedside table***

**AWW, GROSS, JESUS, AUGH, THAT'S FLAT.**

* * *

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"Oh my God, will you two just _stop_?" I pull away from Enjolras, my face turning gradually redder. "If we're going to be stuck here together for a week, we need to lay down some rules." Combeferre drags me to the couch with Enjy following behind us.

"What kind of rules?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.

"How about you follow the normal rules of the café? Jesus, guys. You set the rules!" Enjy glares at him.

"Yeah, I set the rules. Does that mean I have to follow them?"

"Enjy, even _I _think that's some pretty messed up logic." Enjolras turns his glare on me and I shrink back into the couch.

"Here's an idea. No PDA for the next week. Whoever caves first has to watch a six hour marathon of the winner's favorite show."

"Sounds like a plan." I stick my hand out to Enjy, who shakes it firmly.

"It's a deal. You're on, Eponine."

* * *

**Day 1**

* * *

"Enjy, you've got that tie on all wrong." I shove through my crowd of friends and grab onto Enjy's tie, untying the awkward knot that he tied. He never ties his ties right, and it bothers me so much.

This is the perfect time to get him to cave. SIX WHOLE HOURS OF PSYCH, HERE I COME! I am totally on my way to the finish line.

I tie his tie back up and start to play with it mindlessly, standing on my toes. We're so close, you could put one of Cosette's stupid magazines in between our noses and it wouldn't fall. I'm almost tempted to grab his collar and kiss him. _Six hours of Psych, Eponine._ Enjy looks like he's about to break.

"See? _That_ is how you tie a tie." I grin at him and shift my weight to my heels. "Now, if you'll excuse me…" I stalk away from him, dragging his tie behind me. I let go and turn to my friends, who are staring at us, gaping.

"Dang, Eponine, you're good," Courfeyrac says.

"You should teach me some of that. I think Enjolras broke a sweat. Nice work," Musichetta praises me, patting my shoulder.

"I didn't even know I could do that." I am totally going to win this.

"Well, it's not a competition unless we place bets. I'm ready to take any bets on who's going to win," Grantaire shouts. Everyone crowds around him, placing their bets. Musichetta, Cosette, Jehan, and Joly place bets in my favor. Gavroche tries to bet on me, but I hold him back, absolutely forbidding him to gamble in my presence. The best thing, though, is that we're evenly matched, if you count Gavroche.

I'm going to have a lot of fun with this.

* * *

**Day 2**

* * *

So far, I'm winning. There's no doubt about that. Enjolras and I are both refusing to cave, but I know that he's going to.

"So, it's only been two days, and Jolras looks like his head is going to explode. You need to break out something stronger," Jehan says. He's been trying to coach me through this few days so that our side can get all of that money that Grantaire has his hands on right now.

"Well, I still have some… things... uh…" Enjolras comes out of his room, completely shirtless. My mouth goes dry and I gulp. _Six hours of Psych, Eponine, come on._

"Hey guys, I'm going to the gym. I'll be back in a few hours." He runs his fingers through his hair, shooting me a grin that makes my breath catch in my throat. Jehan grabs my wrists, preventing me from getting up.

"You are going to win this, Eponine."

"Yeah, I'll, um, see you later… yeah." I can't really form words. Enjy gives me a small wave and walks out of the café, leaving me drooling in my seat. Oh my God, he's just so amazing and muscular and… It's worth it to kiss him.

"Eponine…" Jehan warns. "You don't want to watch Meerkat Manor for six hours, do you?"

"But… he's so… hot… It's worth it." He glares at me, which is actually kind of entertaining. It's not a very intimidating glare.

"No, it's not. Do you want us to lose all of our money? I don't think so." I gulp down the remainder of my Coke, trying to ignore my burning desire to chase after Enjy.

* * *

**Day 3**

* * *

I step out of the bathroom that I've filled with steam from my shower. I wrap a towel around my shoulders, watching Enjolras's façade crumble. His eyes widen visibly and his mouth falls open slightly. That means that I've achieved exactly what I was trying to achieve. I have on a fitted white T-shirt and a pair of tighter than normal jeans, which I know is absolutely killing him.

"Uh, hi, Eponine. Good morning…" I shoot him my famous Eponine Charm Grin, patent pending, and he leans forward slightly, about to fall out of his seat.

"Good morning, Enjy." I sit down on his leg and his hand curls up into a fist around the side of the chair he's sitting in.

"Are you going to let me eat breakfast?" He asks shakily. I grin wickedly at him.

"No." He's going to cave… He's definitely going to cave… I start kicking my legs back and forth and I throw my arm around his shoulders.

"You are horrible to me, Eponine." I turn around and cup his jaw in my hand, getting nose to nose with him again.

"I know." I scoot off of his leg and go to dry off my hair a little bit better. He gets out of his chair and wraps his arms around my waist.

"You win." He spins me around and kisses me, which of course makes both of us very, very happy.

"Do you feel better now?" I ask with a huge grin.

"Yes."

"Good." I press my lips to his again. "So do I. So… does that mean that we get to watch Psych?"

"Oh, you aren't getting off that easily."

* * *

And now to Cosette, with the weather.

* * *

"Combeferre, this is entirely your fault," I say from the doorway to the main room of the café, where Enjolras and Eponine are lip locked like it's the end of the world. Enjolras has Eponine pushed up against the wall and they're completely oblivious to everything around them.

"Wow, they couldn't even go three days. They don't have a lot of self control." I shrug.

"Let them have their fun. They can't always be perfect, you know." Combeferre holds up his hands in surrender.

"I was _not_ suggesting that they were or are anywhere _near_ perfect. I do need to know who caved first, though, so that I can claim my money."

"No, you won't be getting any money, because Enjolras definitely caved first."

"There is no way that that's true. Did you see how Eponine was yesterday when Jolras was heading to the gym?"

"Hey guys, tear yourselves away from each other for two seconds so you can answer the question, okay?" They don't listen to me, but Eponine unwinds one of her arms from around Enjolras's neck and points at him. "YES! WINNING!" I throw my fist in the air triumphantly while Combeferre rolls his eyes, basically sulking.

I glance over at Eponine and Enjolras. They're still making out in the corner, Enjolras's fingers completely tangled in Eponine's wet hair.

"We should really… leave…" Eponine nods and points in the direction of the door. Combeferre and I awkwardly leave the room, going to find everyone else so that we can resolve the bet.

* * *

"Okay, guys, they caved," Combeferre announces. Everyone goes insane.

"They can't have already caved," Musichetta says. I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Oh really? Why don't you go into the kitchen and see? They won't notice you if you go in there, though. They've got… previous engagements."

"Yeah. Engagements like each other's lips," Combeferre remarks, resulting in a harsh glare from me.

"Really? They've already caved? It's only been three days! My boy Enjolras should've lasted far longer."

"Well, I'm _so_ sorry, R, but your boy Enjolras was the one who caved."

"No. Freaking. Way," he says, shocked.

"Seriously?" Marius asks.

"Yes, seriously. Pay up."

* * *

Back to you, Eponine.

* * *

"Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, co-"

"Okay, Eponine, calm down, we're going to watch your stupid show."

"It's not stupid! I freaking love this show!"

"Okay, okay, calm down."

"Stop telling me to calm down, I'm finally getting you to watch Psych!"

"It's against my will. This does _not_ count as a win for you."

"Yes it does. You caved first." He whacks my upper arm playfully.

"It still doesn't count."

"It totally does." I turn on the show, leaning against his arm. "I'm kind of glad you caved. I was about to do it if you wouldn't."

"Really?"

"Yes. You're very tempting, you know."

"But yet, you didn't cave?" I shrug.

"I really wanted to win. I hate Meerkat Manor."

We get through the first part of the show before he gets so bored that he pulls me into his lap and starts massaging my shoulders. I lean my head against his chest, letting his hands work their magic on my back while I still try to watch the show.

"You know, we could keep watching this show, or I could give you a long massage. Which one?" I think about that choice for a moment. Both of those options are pretty satisfactory.

"Okay, you can turn off the show."

"YES!" He turns off the TV, rubbing his thumbs into my neck. "You know, I don't see how you waited so long for me to cave. You have literally _no_ self control when it comes to me."

"Hey, I totally have self control!"

"No, you don't."

"I know."

* * *

**A/N: This was based on an episode of Drake and Josh, the best show ever. Yes, I do remember Drake and Josh, so don't freAKING JUDGE ME. So, Captain Psycho, you can review me that sentence. You are forgiven, my friend. You are officially a BoLt. Not just a BoLt-BrO, but an official BoLt. Only three people have that honor at the moment- me, CBuscus, and you. FEEL HONORED! And Anna, tell me how you liked the use of your sentence in this chapter. I'M WIDE AWAKE NOW, SUCKAS! AIN'T NOBODY GONNA TELL ME TO GO BACK TO SLEEP! NEVER SLEEP, NEVER SLEEP. SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. I'N EATING CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW AND IT IS SUGARY WOOOOOO. I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME COCA COLA NOW HOLD ON A SECOND. MMHMMHMM THAT'S GOOD STUFF! COCA COLA!**

**By the way, Psycho, I did ****_not_**** appreciate you switching my Coke supply with a bunch of Pepsi. Not cool, bro. Pepsi is gross, man. That was totally whack. **

**Sugar high.**

**Tell me your favorite lines! Please.**

**Quiz Plate Question: What does Grantaire's last name mean in French?**

**-JC, THE ONE WHO IS WIDE AWAKE AT 4 AM SO YOU HAD BEST NOT CROSS ME.**


	23. Battle of the Brands

**A/N: Okay, I'm up, I'm up. I was in Washington DC for the week. But now, I am here to entertain you. Rhiannon won Quiz Plate. You know what that means. You get to give me an OC to include in my next chapter. Cosette's POV.**

* * *

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"Oh my God, Enjolras," I say, downing the can of Pepsi. "This is the best thing I have ever tasted. How have I not discovered this before?" Eponine walks into the room, takes one look at the can in my hand, and gasps dramatically.

"_TRAITOR!_ I could've expected this of you, Cosette, but… Enjy, why? WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?"

"Eponine, it's just soda-"

"Just soda. Just. Soda? I feel as if I've never truly known you." Enjolras raises an eyebrow at Eponine.

"Exactly how many cans of Coke did you take out of the Vault today?" The Vault is the room that Eponine keeps all of her prized food in- her Coke, chocolate, and broccoli. No one knows where it is- we just know that it keeps her stash "cold and refreshing."

"Only five." He stares at her for a moment. "Six." We really need to limit her Coke intake.

"Maybe you should try caffeine free-" She cuts me off with a glare.

"Gather your army. This means war!" She stomps out of the room. "To the Eponine Cave!" There are many different names for the Vault. It's called the Eponine Cave, the Fountain of Youth, the Fortress of Soda-tude, Can-sas, or The Lost Temple of Eponine's Food. It's mostly called the Vault though.

"Should we really get an army?" Enjolras asks. I nod gravely.

"She's probably already gathering up an army, so I think we need to protect the people who are sane enough to like Pepsi products from her Coke-induced rage." This is very serious. She's probably making aluminum weapons as we speak.

"Um… Okay? Let's get us an army, then."

* * *

HEY EPONINE, IT'S YOUR TURN!

* * *

"So, I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here."

"Um… yeah. Kind of." I've gathered my Les Buveurs de CLC, which is what I'm calling my army of Coke-drinkers. It's Courfeyrac, Musichetta, and Gavroche. We're _way_ outnumbered. We're like a little revolution. If we win, half of the funds that the jerks who like Pepsi products go towards Coke. They never give us any money for our drinks. Well, if it's a war they want, it's a war they'll get!

"We are going to war with the enemies of Coca Cola. In the event that we win, we will demand no less than half of their Pepsi funds."

"What exactly is your plan?" Musichetta asks.

"We're going to barricade the kitchen door so that they can't get to the fridge. I've made a few air guns to shoot out pop tabs with. We are going to win that money if we die trying!"

"Eponine, this is crazy. They've got far more people than we do- and they've got Enjolras. Do you really think that we're going to win?" I glare at Courfeyrac.

"Yes, I think that we're going to win. Gather all of the furniture you can find. We have barricades to build." We all go out and get piles of furniture, stacking them up in front of the two kitchen doors. I feel a sense of accomplishment, hiding behind the barricades.

"Okay, really guys? Barricades? Is that really necessary?" Cosette peeks into one of the gaps we left in the barricade. "You guys are crazy."

"We won't leave without a fight!" Gavroche yells. We're _all_ hyped up on our Coke products of choice now, and we keep drinking more. "Les Buveurs de CLC will succeed!"

"Courfeyrac, are you really going to let them drag you in to this? You're smarter than that."

"Well, I thought you were smart enough to drink Coke products. But apparently not!" She raises an eyebrow at him. I start up a chant.

"VIVE LA SAVEUR!" Les Buveurs join in, happily chanting "long live the flavor" with me, despite how ridiculous it sounds.

"Well, if diplomacy can't stop you, I guess you've gotten your war." We have succeeded! She runs off and we start to load our weapons.

"They're coming!" Gavroche shouts. We ready our weapons.

"They've called in Azelma, Marc, and Bossuet for backup!" Courf supplies. "They have cans!"

"FIRE!" We start shooting Coke tabs at them and their fire ceases. Only a few of their cans got over the barricades, but now we have more ammo.

"OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS ARE INSANE!" Feuilly yells. "FALL BACK!" Haha, we've won this round.

* * *

"We're running out of ammunition!"

"We can't be! Check the fridge!"

"It's all gone!" We are screwed. There's no possible way we can win now.

"If you surrender now, we'll let you down easy. Sleep on it," Enjolras says. Their army climbs off of the barricade. I pull out the two liter of Coke from the fridge.

"Well, if we're going to lose, I guess we might as well make the best of it. Everyone take a drink." Gavroche has a black eye from a projectile can, Courf is cut up from some of their pop tabs, and Musichetta looks like she's succumbing to cabin fever. We all chug down our last two liter.

When morning comes, Combeferre yells, "Hey, are you all surrendering?"

"Il n'existe aucun moyen dans l'enfer," I respond angrily.

"What does that mean?"

"NO."

"Eponine, I think we can use this as backup ammo," Musichetta says, holding up a bag.

"What in the world is that?"

"A bag of Lupin's toenail clippings." Ew. Why does she even have that? She pulls one out and loads it into her gun. "Well? Let's go!"

"Musichetta," Courfeyrac warns. "Put _down_ the toenail before you hurt someone."

"NEVER!" I load up my gun with the nails, despite Courfeyrac's protests.

"Fire!"

"AHH, MY EYE!" Oh crap, did I just shoot my boyfriend in the eye with a toenail?

"FOR COKE!" I shout, throwing the empty two liters at them.

"FOR PEPSI!" Bahorel responds, chucking Pepsi cans over the barricade.

"FOR BEER!" Grantaire randomly yells, throwing empty cans into the mix. When did _he_ get here? When we're nearly out of toenails, a white flag goes up into the air on the other side of the barricade. Well, actually, it's a pillowcase, but it's a sign of surrender nonetheless.

* * *

"Seven."

"Three."

"Seven."

"Three." I glare at Enjolras, but I attempt to be reasonable.

"Six."

"Four."

"_Six._"

"_Four._"

"Or we could go for the middle and do five?" Joly says, becoming the voice of reason for once.

"So, in exchange for your drink limit per day, we get half of the Pepsi budget. And, since we won, we get half of the fridge."

"Hold up, Eponine," Marius says. "You have the Vault. Why would you want half of the fridge?"

"The Vault is mine. Les Buveurs de CLC still needs their Cokes. _They _aren't even allowed to know where the Vault is." Everyone nods.

"Okay, it's a deal." Enjolras thrusts out his hand and I shake it. We both sign the Treaty of Soude with the only pen we can find. It's pink. Jehan frames the agreement and hangs it on the wall next to the list of rules for the café and the Treaty of Alcool. Both treaties were caused by fighting. The Treaty of Alcool was caused by the Booze Revolution, which was about a year ago. This one will be called the Battle of the Brands. It's going down in our Musain History Book.

And I'm going down in history as the winner of the battle.

* * *

**A/N: Captain Psycho, thank you so much. This was so much fun to write, and I love you like a sibling, even though I hate my real siblings. My siblings are Josh and Rigby. They suck. SOOOO…**

**QUIZ PLATE!**

**The last Quiz Plate question is… **

**In what chapter did JCBoLt do two very unthinkable things and what were those things?**

**-JC, the one who is so happy about how this turned out.**


	24. Thenardier and Thenardiess

**A/N: Thank you for this awesome idea, Bella. YOU NEED TO GET AN ACCOUNT! So, Rhiannon never responded for Quiz Plate, and nobody got the answer right, so I give up on Quiz Plate. JEOAERQEWCR ASCRAWPRE9483;CQREW QWOERIC304;PAW[ECRA GAAH**

**I'm a bit frustrated because I'm tired and tired.**

**Sorry.**

* * *

**ONWARD OF TIREDNESS *yawn***

* * *

A knock on the door of the café makes everyone stop dead in their tracks. Who in the world would knock on the door of a café? It's open to all- except for convicted murderers or something like that.

"Uh… hello?" The door creaks open lightly and my heart stops at the voice that sounds from behind it. I glance over at Gavroche, who looks about as terrified as I feel. Two tall, red-headed adults step into the café. The man grins at me and I shriek, hiding behind Enjolras.

"I HAVE A HUMAN SHIELD!" Enjolras gives me a weird look.

"Okay, so now I'm just your personal shield?"

"Definitely."

"What, no, 'Hi, guys, we haven't seen you in years!' or at least a 'Happy Mother's Day'? Come on, guys." Add convicted child abusers onto that list.

"Can you… just leave?" Gavroche asks shakily.

"You know what? We're just going to sit down. If you really want to ignore us all day, then go ahead." They sit down at a table in the corner awkwardly. They've gone and invaded my turf. My land. My patch. I probably _will_ ignore them all day.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Happy Mother's Day, Eponine!" I glare at Grantaire. There's been an ongoing joke that I'm the mother of the Amis. They think it's hilarious, and they've gotten me a Mother's Day card every year since eighth grade. They're usually the cheesiest cards _ever_, but I think the notion is kind of sweet. I would never tell them that, though.

"_What?_"

"No, I do _not_ have children. Jesus." Thenardier, who I refuse to call "Dad" ever again, shrugs innocently. "I mean, really, I am sixteen. God. You guys are just… I just can't even explain… I'm done talking." I slam my hand over my mouth to make myself just shut up.

"Okay, Eppy, who are they?"

"My… parents." He looks from me to them and then back.

"I don't see it. You're too pretty." I roll my eyes and push him backwards lightly.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Rougeior."

"Well, it was certainly worth a try, right?" I lean up to kiss him before Thenardiess (Yes, I do call her that. I made it up. Do you like it?) clears her throat awkwardly.

"Don't you dare tell me you don't approve of my boyfriend."

"Well…" I glare at Thenardier and his eyes widen. I guess I'm far more intimidating than he remembers.

"If you do, I guess it baise suce for you, right? Do you want to go play GameCube?" Enjy shrugs and I drag him into the game room. "Game. Cube."

"Mario Kart?"

"YES."

"Eponine, are you blatantly ignoring your parents? They could easily be trying to get you to forgive them. Come on, that's really unfair."

"Shut up."

* * *

"OH! SUCK IT! FIRST PLACE AGAIN! SUUUUUUUUCK IIIIIIIIIIT!"

"Jesus, how in the world are you so good at this game?"

"I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T CARE! I WON! SUCK IT!" Anyone in the twenty mile radius will know that I won another round of Mario Kart. I always freak out when I win anything. One time, I won a game of Monopoly and, in utter excitement; I flung the game board across the room and broke a vase. "I am totally going to get a victory Coke."

"How many have you had today?"

"Two." Four.

"Remember the treaty." I run out of the room and come to a halt when I realize that my friends are giving Thenardier and Thenardiess the grand tour, which includes stops at "Château de Canettes," "Eponine and Enjolras's Table," "Combeferre's Book Hub," and "The Palace of the Magical Gay Unicorn Fairy Princess." I'm rather surprised that they don't question that last one. That came from Cosette's scary mind. It's just two tables pushed together. It's where we play poker. I have no idea where that name came from, but whoever wins poker on Friday night is called the Magical Gay Unicorn Fairy Princess all week. Trust me, it's an honor.

Right now, the Magical Gay Unicorn Fairy Princess is Jehan. Obviously, he's not very happy about it. It's funny though, because he'll be trying to get some girl to date him, and one of us will be like, "Hey, Magical Gay Unicorn Fairy Princess, come on!" And the girl will back away slowly.

It's so fun to torture Jehan- The Magical Gay Unicorn Fairy Princess.

"I noticed that you've won five rounds of Mario Kart," Thenardier says. "I take it you've gotten better at it?" I faintly remember when he would play Mario Kart with me. That was before he went, like, psycho crazy poo-brain and started randomly hating all of us.

"Yeah, I've gotten far better."

"I bet I could still beat you."

"No way. I would totally own you at Mario Kart! It is on!" And of course, a few minutes later, I am victory dancing in the game room. "I TOTALLY OWNED YOU! WHAT NOW?"

"Rematch." I beat him at Mario Kart over and over again. Over and over again. It feels freaking great. "You know, Eponine, if you're still mad at me for what I did years ago, you can punch me in the face or something. I won't care." I seriously think about that option. Because I really do still hold a grudge against him and I really do want to punch him in the face. Seriously, he hurt me, Gavroche, and Azelma. That's just not cool. Thenardiess wasn't as bad, but I'd still like to break her nose just as much. But she's not in here. She's joining the "Raiders of the Lost Vault." You'd think that they've been here for all of their lives.

I silently walk over to Thenardier and punch him as hard as I can in the nose. "God, that felt good. Thank you." He raises an eyebrow at me and wipes the blood out from under his nose.

"Um… alright, I guess you needed that. Rematch again?" I can't believe that didn't completely break his nose. But then again, he's been in prison so long; his nose must be, like, unbreakable.

"Freaking definitely. I've got ten out of ten. SUCK IT."

I win again and I scream. "Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do, sucka?" I spin around in an awkward little circle and he laughs.

"You are the most competitive person I have ever met."

"You haven't met my boyfriend." He cringes slightly at the word.

"You know, I'm still not a big fan of the fact that you have a boyfriend."

"Dude, I'm sixteen. Come on, I'm old enough to date a guy." We start the eleventh round during our conversation.

"Are you sure? Because, I mean, dating in high school doesn't always work out, you know."

"Yeah, I know, but Enjolras is pretty great. You should really meet him." I can't believe I just said that. I just told _Thenardier_ that he should meet my boyfriend. What happened to my impenetrable grudge? AUGH, MARIO KART IS BREAKING MY RESOLVE!

"Alright, I will. After a few more rounds of Mario Kart. I am not stopping until I beat you."

"Oh, you're gonna be here for a long time."

* * *

**A/N: Swag. I liked that a lot. There's going to be a chapter about Enjolras meeting the Thenardiers and Eponine's aunt and uncle. I'm really epixcited about that one. You see that word? Epic plus Excited equals Epixcited. Swag.**

**I just watched , by the way. That's why I'm saying "swag."**

**-JC, the one who doesn't want you to go in her shed. **


	25. The Bill of Cafe Rights

**A/N: ERMAHGERD I JUST REALIZED THAT THIS STORY IS IN A COMMUNITY! IT'S IN "Whaddya Want?" Apparently, it's one of "**The best fics I can find, for all fandoms!"

**I AM SO HAPPY! ERMAHGERD. I also got the full Wicked script on my computer. WE SO EXCITED. Now, this chapter is what happens when CBuscus and I roleplay in the middle of the night. Be afraid. Be very afraid.**

**Oh, and I have a challenge for you. Guess how old JC is! Also, what the heck do you guys think I look like? Seriously, I want to know. I'm always in need of character descriptions. CBuscus, you aren't allowed to participate.**

**I'd also like to remind you that the anniversary of the June Rebellion is drawing near. So near, it's stirring the blood in their veins. And yet, beware. Don't let the fanfics go to your brains!**

* * *

**ONWARD!**

* * *

"MY CORN DOGS BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!" I stop dead in my tracks when I hear my girlfriend screaming in the kitchen. "AND THEY'RE LIKE, THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOURS. DARN RIGHT, I COOK THEM FOR HOURS. I WOULD NEVER TEACH YOU BECAUSE THEY'RE MY DIEU MAUDIT CORN DOGS." Oh my God.

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?"

"Hey, Enjy…" Eponine says, waving a steaming hot corn dog in my face. I push it away, raising my eyebrows at her.

"What is this all about?"

"I broke the law."

"WHAT?!"

"Friend Grantaire let me try that Bud Light stuff… I have to admit, it tasted horrible… But now everything is colorful and I'm dizzy and wooooo…" She stumbles and falls into my arms. "Haha, you're strong." Well, now I'm going to kill Grantaire. "You're so strong… and tall…"

"Yes, I know." She pushes off of me and sits on the table. Cosette walks into the room, screaming, "OKAY, WHERE'S THE DRUNK PONINE?"

"It's Swag now. REFER TO ME AS SWAG. THE ALMIGHTY SWAG." Grantaire sneaks by the door and I run after him with a knife. "OH, HOT BOYFRIEND? WHY ARE YOU CHASING FRIEND GRANTAIRE?"

"Are you drunk?" Cosette asks. Eponine lets out a loud cackle.

"No. Simply… mildly intoxicated. Friend Grantaire let my try the horse beer. You know, the one with the horse commercials? OH MY GOD, SOMEONE'S CALLING ME!" I slide into the kitchen to see Eponine with a banana held up to her ear. "Hello? HELLO?"

"Eppy, that's a banana." She accidentally stabs herself in the ear and screams.

"THE PHONE STABBED ME! I'M GONNA DIE, ENJY!" She starts writhing on the floor and Cosette groans.

"Get up."

"I'm dying, Cosette. The phone stabbed my ear. Call the hospital." Eponine hands Cosette the banana and she sighs.

"Hello? We need an ambulance. Okay, Ponine, there's an ambulance outside."

"No, I'm okay." Cosette huffs.

"Come on, you're bleeding."

"I'M BLEEDING? I'M BLEEDING! ENJY, THE PHONE BROKE MY EAR!" Eponine screams and flails on the ground like a madwoman.

"Calm down and we'll take you to the hospital." She starts to drag Eponine out of the café and towards a bright red wagon that's parked outside.

"Cosette?"

"Hmm?"

"Where did you get that wagon?"

"What wagon?"

"Cosette, there is a bright red wagon outside of the café. Where did it come from?"

"Um… well…"

"Cosette. Did you steal that from an unsuspecting child?"

"It's not stealing when the kid gives it to you because he thinks you're pretty."

"COSETTE! You can't go around hitting on little kids! What would Marius think?" She pauses, hanging her head.

"Marius would be mad."

"I know, Cosette. Now, put Eppy down. You're about to drop her, anyway."

"Enjy… Come get my corn dogs. A nice juicy corn dog…s." She jumps up on the table, swinging her discarded corn dog in the air.

"Eppy… Eppy, get off of the table." Eponine takes a huge bite out of the corn dog and goes absolutely silent.

"Oh my God. These are delicious."

"Eponine. Good lord, Enjy, get her to stop, please," Cosette begs me. "This is weird. She's being weird, Enjy."

"Don't you dare call me that. Only Eppy- er, Eponine is allowed to call me that." A corn dog suddenly hangs in front of my face.

"Come get your nice, juicy corn dog. Everybody likes corn dogs." She whacks me in the face with it.

"OW! THAT'S HOT!"

"Oh, I know I am."

"Eppy, that's not what I meant," I say with a groan. She topples over, landing on top of me. "EPPY!"

"Hi!" I groan again, trying to lift her off of me. She laughs and pins me to the ground. "Haha, I totally owned you. What are you gonna do?" I roll my eyes and attempt to push her away again.

"You're heavy." She glares at me.

"I am not."

"Sure, whatever."

"OH COME… ALL YE FAITHFUL… JOY TO THE WORLD… JINGLE BELLS…" Is that Grantaire? It's June, not Christmas. He apparently doesn't even know the words to any carols. "OH CHRISTMAS TREE… OH CHRISTMAS TREE… SILEEEEEENT NIIIIIIIGHT…"

"Can someone please end this? This is terrifying," Musichetta says. "Grantaire is singing and Courf is dancing on a barstool and- What's wrong with Ponine?"

"Grantaire gave her Bud Light."

"It was gross! I'M STICKING TO MY COKES! YOU HEAR THAT, FRIEND GRANTAIRE? COKE! YOUR BEER CAN GO F-"

"Alright, Eppy, let's not!" I say, cutting off what I know is going to be an endless stream of random drunken curses that _probably_ won't be in French.

"Let's not what?" She asks innocently, grinning at me. I shoot her a harsh glare that she returns with a radiant, toothy grin.

"I hate you."

"No you don't. You love me, and that's why you keep dating me." She's really intelligent when she's drunk. Kind of like an inconvenient psychologist. You need her, but she's only right at the worst times.

I have no idea how she got drunk on one gulp of beer, but she's Eponine. She gets a simulated drunken feeling when she drinks too much Coca Cola. That's why we have the limit for Cokes. I guess now we need to ratify a "Café Law" for beer as well.

* * *

"I call this meeting of Les Amis to write and ratify the Bill of Café Rights." There's a collective groan. Agreement doesn't come easily for us.

Eponine is extremely hung over from last night's events, and she's leaning back in her chair, still wearing pajamas at noon. "Hurry up… And stop talking so loudly, I have a headache."

"That brings me to the first point. No one, and I mean absolutely _no one_ is allowed to ever give Eppy beer."

"SHH!" I hold up my hands in surrender and she nods, taking another long gulp of her coffee, which is in a mug from the Crime and Punishment museum in Washington D.C. "Yeah, and I agree with that. No more beer means no more hangovers. By the way, I need an Advil. SLAVE?"

"Eppy, I'm your boyfriend. That does not mean in any way that I'm your automatic slave."

"Yes it does. Advil? Please?" I groan and reach into my pocket, pulling out a box of Advil. I throw her one of the small white tablets and she nods in appreciation. "Musichetta, write that down. No beer for Eponine." Musichetta pulls out her white feather quill- well, that's Cosette's quill, but nonetheless- and writes down the first "law."

The laws go as follows.

One- Eponine cannot drink or be served any beer at any time.

Two- No one can touch Eponine's hat.

_Last night, when Eponine was nearly sober, she attacked Marius with a soda and dumped it on his head. In return, Marius threw her hat out of the window. Eponine screamed and ran outside with a foam Minecraft sword, swinging wildly at the child who had picked it up. We discovered that he was the same child that Cosette had taken the wagon from. The little boy then fell victim to a hanging piano when it fell on top of him. He was saved from the piano by an abnormally strong Mr. Fauchevalent while Eponine stood, staring at the piano, continuously saying "oh."_

Three- All searches for the Vault will be immediately discontinued.

_This came from when the "Vault Hunters" decided to make their debut. Gavroche, Azelma, Cosette, Musichetta, Courfeyrac, and Grantaire tore apart the café, searching for a room that they would never find. Eponine's Vault is a sacred place that is in a sacred hiding spot that even I'm not trusted with. But, they did learn the proximity of the Vault because they ran into the insanely dangerous aluminum booby traps that Eponine built around the Vault. Gavroche got caught in an aluminum bear trap and was trying to chew off his leg when I found him._

Four- Don't touch Combeferre's comic books.

_Cosette was apparently bored, so she decided to reach into Combeferre's locked sea chest to see what was in it. Of course, it was, and still is, Combeferre's comic book collection. She was reading a showcase Green Lantern book and got Cheeto dust on it, causing Combeferre to jump her, steal her wallet, and buy a new one._

Five- Don't interrupt Enjolras and Eponine's Minecraft sessions.

_Eponine and I were, of course, playing Minecraft on the X-Box at noon on Saturday. Those four hours that we play Minecraft are the only four free hours we have in our entire week. So, if someone like, oh, I don't know, Joly, comes in screaming, "OH MY GOD, EVERYONE IS SICK!" we both get worried and run out to see everyone sneezing because Gavroche accidentally exploded his science project. At that point, Eponine punched Joly in the face because he interrupted her "Enjy/Minecraft time."_

Six- If Enjolras is meeting Eponine's parents, please don't be inappropriate and talk about "that one time they were in the basement playing pool." THAT STORY IS NOT TRUE!

_This one is self explanatory._

I realize that most of these rules apply to Eponine and I, making me realize that my friends enjoy torturing us more than anyone else. I'm _honored_.

* * *

**A/N: And that's that! That one was really long. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm skipping over the scene where Enjolras meets the Thenardiers. But, as you can tell, I will allude to it for you. **

**So, again with my challenge, guess what I look like and how old I am. I'll enjoy reading that in the reviews. CBuscus is still not allowed to participate.**

**-JC, the one who is running out of things to put in these signatures.**


	26. Mall Jail

**A/N: Hey, BoLt-BrOs! I am back! By the way, curse you, Bella. Curse you. I got this idea from the ever fabulous RWMTFG. It's been decided that I will call you RGBoLt. Also from Bella, who I just cursed. Tank u.**

* * *

**ONWARD!**

* * *

The rebellion at the mall wasn't exactly a perfect success. Combeferre warned us not to do it, but we didn't listen. He's stupid. What would he know? So, of course, we went wild, marching in the mall like crazies.

Well, apparently, he knew that the rebellion was a bad idea. Now we're in mall jail. And the mall cop, a guy called Javert, is patrolling around, singing under his breath. He's an awful singer.

At the moment, he's singing "Somebody to Love." And it's not the good version by Queen. It's the Justin Bieber version.

"FOR YEW I'D WRITE A SYMPH-UH-N-EeEeEeEEEEeEEEeeeeEEeeeeeeeE..." His voice is so terrible, I might just fashion a shank out of the nail in my pocket and jab it in my ears. It's worse than the Biebs, and that is _definitely_ saying something. Justin Bieber is some sort of devil spawn from Russell Crowe and Miley Cyrus. That basically explains it… absolutely, positively PERFECTLY.

Cosette is curled up in the corner, rocking back and forth with her knees pulled up to her chest. She's mumbling something about "never done anything bad, ever." Marius is hunched next to her with his arm around her shoulders. I'm sitting on the hard bench next to Enjy, trying to look unafraid. Honestly, I'm a bit nervous. Javert noticed me because when I was younger… like, twelve… I may or may not have helped my father steal a television. Now, I got off because it was forced, but no one at the mall likes me anymore. They have a sort of policy against Thenardiers. Gavroche is pretty excited. He's jumping around, totally hyped about the fact that "now I can tell my friends that I went to jail!" Musichetta and Courf are sitting against the wall. The fact that they're holding hands makes the fangirl in me flail like a madwoman. Grantaire is pacing, which is normal. He's actually not drunk, though. I'm proud of him. Joly was "too sick to rebel today." Jehan is writing in a small notepad that he pulled out of his back pocket and Feuilly is reading over his shoulder. Bahorel is simply staring at the wall.

I roll my shoulders a couple of times, trying to relieve the pain in my back.

"You okay?" Enjolras asks. I shrug and then roll my shoulders again.

"My back hurts." He nods and I feel his hands drop on my shoulders. "What are you doing?"

"Massaging your shoulders. If anything, it'll help get rid of that pain." He digs his thumbs under my shoulder blades and I sigh.

"Thank you. That's just… Just amazing. Oh… God, that feels so good." I rest my head on his shoulder, almost forgetting the fact that I'm in mall jail. Enjy leans over and kisses me, but we pull apart when someone bangs on the bars of the cell.

"No public displays of affection," Javert says. I raise a defiant eyebrow at him and grab Enjy's collar, yanking his lips to mine. Gavroche yells, "OH!" and I can almost feel Javert's glare.

"It's not public. We're in a holding cell, for God's sake."

"You had best not talk to me like that, young lady. You're a repeat offender, after all."

"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!" I yell, and Enjolras immediately stops rubbing my shoulders.

"Excuse me? What did you do?"

"Nothing! Well, I mean… Uhm… It wasn't my fault, I swear." Javert gives me a smug grin.

"I'll leave it to you to work this out. Have fun with that, Thenardier."

"WAIT, WAIT, I WANT MY PHONE CALL!" Cosette screams. Javert rolls his eyes and holds a landline through the bars. "Thank you!" She jumps up and grabs the phone, frantically dialing what I guess is her dad's phone number. Or, as she calls him, "Papa."

"Papa, I need you to come get me… Um… In mall jail… IT'S NOT MY FAULT, PAPA… Yes, my friends are here too… I know, Papa… Papa, Eponine is_ not_ a bad influence…" I shrug at that and everyone else bursts out laughing. I shoot Enjolras "The Look" and he smiles at me.

"Don't worry, I still love you. Even though you're a convicted criminal." I huff and turn away from him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I already told you, that wasn't my fault."

"I know, Eppy." He gently rubs my back again, and I can't help but smile. "I'm watching for your picture on FBI's Most Wanted."

"Yes, Papa, it is that mall… No, you turn left… Gosh, Papa, just look it up on Google… Okay, that's good… No, now you turn right… Five minutes? Okay, bye." After five minutes, here comes Mr. Fauchevalent, ready to retrieve us and call me a "bad influence." He doesn't hate me, but I know he thinks that I'm going to turn his daughter into a "rowdy criminal."

"A rebellion? Really?" Javert stops singing "Call Me Maybe" and stares at Mr. Fauchevalent.

"Don't I know you from somewhere? You look very familiar." Mr. F's eyes widen slightly.

"Um… I _am_ the mayor…"

"No, you look familiar in a different way." Javert gasps. "YOU STOLE A LOAF OF BREAD!" Mr. F grabs Cosette's wrist and drags all of us out of the mall, driving just at the speed limit out of the parking lot. I can't believe it! Mr. F has been beating me up this whole time about being a bad influence to his daughter when, in reality, he's a convict.

"PAPA! You stole from this mall?" Cosette asks, bewildered.

"It was bread, Sette. I was starving and I didn't have any money."

"Mr. F, now you can't beat up on me for being a bad influence. You stole from the mall." I smirk and lean back in my seat, propping my feet up on the back of his seat.

"Get your feet off of my seat. As I've heard, you stole from the mall as well. A television is a bit worse than a loaf of bread." I glare at the back of his head.

"I've said it a million times. That was _not_ my fault."

"Sure…" I take my feet off of his seat just for the purpose of kicking him in the back of the head. "OW!"

"Ponine, don't kick my Papa."

"Well, tell your _Papa_ not to call me a criminal. Jesus, I'm _not_!"

"Papa, Eponine is not a criminal. If you don't want her to be violent and kick you in the back of your head, I would strongly advise that you do _not_ insult her. If you really want to know about that, ask Bahorel."

"She stabbed me in the arm for making fun of her B in math. I still have a scar," Bahorel pitches in from the back of the car. I glare at him and he holds his hands up in surrender.

"Violence is never the answer, Eponine." I scoff at Mr. F's philosophy.

"That saying is a morceau de merde, Mr. F."

"What did I tell you, Cosette? Your friend Eponine is a bad influence."

"JESUS, DUDE, I CAN HEAR YOU!"

* * *

**A/N: JC does not like pop music. Or Russell Crowe. He sucks. Check out my other Les Mis multichap. It's called "Under the Upper Hand" and is based off of Ed Sheeran's "The A Team."**

**-JC, the one who has been tame lately.**


End file.
